I told people I thought I was one of the least effected by lockdown.
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I know! I actually got a sick pleasure of how miserable everyone was. Lol. I guess maybe I felt good about myself.
I’m weird. I like to be by myself but not alone. I enjoy people being around just not in my space. I’m the oldest of 6. So I’m used to someone always there. I don’t know if I could be a hermit.
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That’s it, im toxic. My choices, my actions, the life I live is toxic.
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When everyone panicked I also remained stoic. As a person with high anxiety and depression, it’s my normal is to pre-plan for the worst outcome AND the best so you are always already mentally prepared to deal with the worst of situations.
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I would be so continually disappointed growing up, just by things as simple as some place new I would be going to end up being not as fantastical as I had imagined. So I got in the groove of doing the complete opposite.
That’s got me thinking now… did I do all this to myself? Depression runs in my family so I can’t take all the credit.
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Yes. You did, but it’s also not that simple.
I can think back to awful things I’ve done… I chose them. I can’t deny that. I also can’t deny I was under psychological duress.
My sister moved out, because she blamed the family for her unhappiness. Couple months later she’s finding out we aren’t “toxic” she just isn’t happy with her life.
The only way forward is to actually push. If you want your life to get better, make it! Although admittedly this mentality is a bit distressing to me currently, since I’m not able to fix certain things. But I have little patience.
The way I see it, the only reason to reflect is to better understand what you feel now. Whatever happened is in the past and is forever part of you. No changing that. You can only change right now.
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When you in deep it’s pretty difficult to get out of the mind set. You can think happy thoughts but they don’t seem that happy.
Looking back, hell yesterday I was in the dumps. My line of thinking is considerably different then it is today. I have energy and want to do things. Yesterday I was mad that I was tired and couldn’t sleep to escape.
But I totally agree with you. If you can just even make half ass attempts to making yourself feel better and have patience things turn around.
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Sappy but true: A dirty worthless chunk of carbon goes through a lot of hellish pressure and misery before it can become one of the STRONGEST THING ON THIS PLANET. 
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Precisely; has to be both. It’s ok to fall short, just as long as you tried. That’s honestly the single hardest thing I deal with as an adult.
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Have you had one to many blows to the head? I stay that way. Depression sucks. Weed helps the best. I think I need some shroom time. My brain doesn’t make the fun stuff. If it wasn’t for marry Jane it would be unlivable.
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All I can say is give thanks. Looks at funny stuff. Read good and happy thoughts. Get some sleep. Love your self. You know. Make your bed when you get up. Get some castle soaps. Man that will wake your brain up. One love brother man. Hit me up anytime. I feel like I’m in a bag. Can tell what’s on the other side. Just can’t get out. It’s like a cloud. That never clears up. I try smoking different stuff all the time helps. Maybe you work to hard.
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I miss him. Lil Peep did have some issues and Awesome music told his story.
We can always remember though.
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I’ve been meaning to post a new grow log for weeks. I lost my 6 mother plants due to my own neglect. I was able to get them back from a friend I give clones to, so that’s good. I just can’t get anything done.
This time with covid has probably been the most financially stable I’ve been in years. But there is no motivation.
I’ve been remodeling the basement for the last 1.5 years. Should have been done 9 months ago.
I don’t even smoke my own stash lol. I only smoke a couple times a year. I grow because I like to, and I provide good meds to some friends.
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Damn glad someone was financially stable out of this mess. I started a job at the pinnacle of my field, literally there is arguably no better company to get into and my experience meant a management role- company car, insane benefits, no more beating up my body and finally relying on my knowledge rather than sweat. I worked there for 3 weeks and got really sick. I assumed at the time it was covid and the symptoms sounded like it. Week off turned to 2, turned to a month, turned to months. Wasn’t as bad as the initial 2 weeks when I was sick but it was like I developed a chronic illness. I had fatigue issues before but it was manageable, from March of 2020 on it wasn’t manageable anymore. Not sure if I’m one of the “covid longhaulers” I’m reading about or if whatever happened in March broke the camel’s back but it sucks.
I went from the best job in my industry with good credit to not able to work and having to use credit to get by. Long story short(er) I’m financially fucked cause of all of it. Credit card late fees drove my debt way up and I’ve had a few cards closed off already, credit score is in the toilet. This last year was getting hit by like a train full of cinderblocks.
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Yup my plants reflect my mood for sure. Was going a few days not even checking my PH in my buckets…
I give most of my grow away when it’s done too.
I need to find work. I know now has got to be easier then before Christmas. I tried really hard then. With no luck. I just don’t want to talk to anyone most of the time. I know once I start working again I will feel better. It’s just tough getting back out there.
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Anyone ever been so depressed, for so long that you think;
“WTF is wrong with me? Do I enjoy being sad?” 
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Yep, I maybe visit the plants, give them a little water. But when I’m in a low I don’t take care of myself, my plants. I certainly don’t feel like updating a grow log. They’re just fucking plants, who cares about my shitty plants?
Then eventually I get back to normal and I won’t shut up about them. Showing my friends pictures, like they give a shit.
Depression takes away your joy. Fucking bastard. At least it’s a good indicator to your friends and family. People get suspect when I’m not my usual active self, and rightly so.
I don’t know if it’s just me or what, when I’m low I listen to one of two types of music- cathartic or just feel good. Rocksteady and Reggae have been floating me through this current low. Hard to wallow while grooving. Gets me sort of back on track.
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It’s easier I think, or maybe it’s enjoyable on a subconscious level.
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I let my entire last grow dry to a crisp 7 weeks into veg. Started more but don’t want to start a new journal just because I feel like a jack ass. 
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