What is the difference between light and hard?
I can go to sleep with a light on.
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I tend to wake up with both on 
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āJustin Bieber lashed out at a photographer as he lost his temper in the latest drama of his UK tourā
The photographer is now recovering from a burst bladder after pissing himself laughing.
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Police in Liverpool announced last night the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 Grenade launchers, 20 tonneās of heroin, 50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukranian prostitutes.
All in a semi-detached house behind the public library in Toxteth.
Local residents where stunned and a community spokesman said : āweāre shocked! we never knew we had a libraryā.
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Jake was dying, his wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
āI have something i must confess.ā
Thereās no need to, his wife replied.
No he insisted, i want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!
I know she replied, now just rest and let the poison work.
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I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agencyā¦
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Just been gang raped by a group of mime artistsā¦ they did unspeakable things to meā¦
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Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8ā¦
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Paddy is baffled by his orange penis. The Doctor asks him " does anyone else in your family have this condition.?" Paddy says ānoā. āDo you handle any chemicals at workā.
āI dont workā Paddy replies.
" well what do you do all day" the Doctor asks.
Paddy says " watch porn and eat Wotsits "
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that was hilarious lmao the guy in the car chase
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So thereās this tiny baby polar bear. Curious little thing. Always asking questions. And one dayā¦
āMum are you sure Iām a polar bearā
āYeah Iām positive son but if you still need clarification go and ask your grandmaā
So he goes up to his grandma.
āGrandma you sure Iām a polar bearā
āIām pretty damn certain. Go ask your dadā
āDad are you sure Iām a polar bearā
āYes sonā
āYou sure mum didnāt have away with a grizzlyā
āIām pretty positive son why you asking anywayā
āCos im fucking freezingā
This mornings long shit joke brought to you by cola
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british humor is many things but iām not sure funny is one of them!!! honestly without subtitles idk what theyāre saying half the time
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Id just like to congratulate my sister for winning Eurovision last night. God knows how she did it. She wasnāt even singing. Just signalling to her fella she wanted chickenā¦
Itās not actually my sister but it sure reminded me of her 