What is the difference between light and hard?
I can go to sleep with a light on.
10 Likes
I tend to wake up with both on 
2 Likes
āJustin Bieber lashed out at a photographer as he lost his temper in the latest drama of his UK tourā
The photographer is now recovering from a burst bladder after pissing himself laughing.
3 Likes
Police in Liverpool announced last night the discovery of an arms cache of 2000 semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition, 10 anti-tank missiles, 4 Grenade launchers, 20 tonneās of heroin, 50 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukranian prostitutes.
All in a semi-detached house behind the public library in Toxteth.
Local residents where stunned and a community spokesman said : āweāre shocked! we never knew we had a libraryā.
10 Likes
Jake was dying, his wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
āI have something i must confess.ā
Thereās no need to, his wife replied.
No he insisted, i want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!
I know she replied, now just rest and let the poison work.
13 Likes
I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agencyā¦
3 Likes
Just been gang raped by a group of mime artistsā¦ they did unspeakable things to meā¦
6 Likes
Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8ā¦
2 Likes
Paddy is baffled by his orange penis. The Doctor asks him " does anyone else in your family have this condition.?" Paddy says ānoā. āDo you handle any chemicals at workā.
āI dont workā Paddy replies.
" well what do you do all day" the Doctor asks.
Paddy says " watch porn and eat Wotsits "
5 Likes
2 Likes
that was hilarious lmao the guy in the car chase
2 Likes
So thereās this tiny baby polar bear. Curious little thing. Always asking questions. And one dayā¦
āMum are you sure Iām a polar bearā
āYeah Iām positive son but if you still need clarification go and ask your grandmaā
So he goes up to his grandma.
āGrandma you sure Iām a polar bearā
āIām pretty damn certain. Go ask your dadā
āDad are you sure Iām a polar bearā
āYes sonā
āYou sure mum didnāt have away with a grizzlyā
āIām pretty positive son why you asking anywayā
āCos im fucking freezingā
This mornings long shit joke brought to you by cola
6 Likes
1 Like
british humor is many things but iām not sure funny is one of them!!! honestly without subtitles idk what theyāre saying half the time
2 Likes
Id just like to congratulate my sister for winning Eurovision last night. God knows how she did it. She wasnāt even singing. Just signalling to her fella she wanted chickenā¦
Itās not actually my sister but it sure reminded me of her 
We donāt even understand each other @legalcanada.
3 Likes