How about a funny joke thread, start your day with a bowl and a laugh

Smoker's Lounge
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So there’s this nice upscale bar at the top of a tall building in a downtown city. A guy goes up the elevator and enters into the bar which isn’t full, so he moseys up to the bar and orders a drink.
There’s a man sitting next to him that says to the bartender “hit me with that special tequila, you know the one…” and winks at the guy. The bartender rolls his eyes but brings him the tequila, and the man shoots it down and walks over to the patio door and out onto the balcony. Then he jumps off.

The new guy at the bar gasps and runs out to the patio and looks down and sees the guy falling but then slowing down just as he gets close to the ground. He rights himself and gently lands on his feet on the pavement. He disappears into the building’s front door and moments later the elevator dings and in he walks and sits down to the bar.

The new guy is beside himself. Did he just see what he thinks he saw? He asks the man how he did it.

The man simply looks his way and with a smile says “I told you it was special tequila”. He winks again and orders another. He gets up and walks to the patio and jumps again. The new guy is aghast. What the hell kind of drink is this? He watches him and again the man falls just short of the ground, slows, and straightens up and lands gently on his feet. The new guy watches incredulous.

The elevator dings a couple minutes later and in walks the jumping dude. All smiles, he walks up to the bartender and orders another. This time the new guy asks for a shot too. “What the hell, this should be fun!” he thinks to himself.
They clink glasses and the new guy downs his shot and runs to the patio and hurls himself off the balcony. But he doesn’t slow down and he splats himself all over the alley way. Big mess. What a shame.

The bartender looks at the guy and says, “You’re such an asshole when you’re drunk, Superman”.

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Why can you not run through a camping site?

You can only have previously run because it is past tents.

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ever had sex while camping?

it’s fucking in tents

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An old man is having a whiskey and his grandson says “Grandpa let me have that whiskey” and grandpa says “can your dick touch your ass? When your dick can touch your ass you can have some whiskey”
Next day old man smoking a cigar grandson says “grandpa let me have that cigar” grandpa says “not until your dick can touch your ass”
Later that night the boy was having candy for dessert and grandpa says “oh boy gimme that candy” the boy asks “can your dick touch your ass?” Old man says “well of course it can!” The little boy says “good, go fuck yourself!” :smile:

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American Hero and insult master.

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A New Zealander walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, “Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:

“I think you’ll find that’s a sheep, you idiot.”

The man says, “I think you’ll find I wasn’t talking to you.”

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Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day.
“Fifty dollars!” she would cry out from the curb. “No, Five dollars!” fired back Clinton.
This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He’d run by and she’d yell, “Fifty dollars!” And he’d yell back, “Five dollars!”
One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog ! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the “pro” would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings.
He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State.
Bill picked up the pace as they neared the corner.
and sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled…"See what you get for five bucks !

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks “What is that, a steering wheel in your pants?!”

Pirate says “AAAARRRRHH, it’s driving me nuts!”

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:laughing:

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BREAKING NEWS, A chinese couple give birth to an albino baby!
Proof two wongs CAN make a white!

HA HA
ROR (raff out roud)

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What was the dirtiest song of the 1980’s??? " Come on Eileen!"

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What did the Chinese couple name they’re black baby? Sum ting Wong!!!

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Does anyone know why Santa has no children???

Ok wait for it…

Because he only comes once a year and it’s down your chimney !!!

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Three old guys are sitting on a park bench one afternoon, complaining about getting old.
The first guy says “Every day at 7 am, I stand in front of the toilet trying to pee for 30 minutes before I can manage a trickle!” The other 2 nod their heads knowingly.
The second guy says “Every day at 7 am, I’ll sit on the bowl for an hour before I can even fart!” The other 2 nod their heads knowingly.
The third guy says “Every day at 7 am, I take a 5 pound shit and have a minute long piss!”
The other two guys are like “WTF is wrong with that??”
“I don’t get out of bed 'til 10.”

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A woman visiting New Orleans decides to go to a voodoo shop on a lark. She’s browsing around, looking at things, when she comes across a 12" dildo. Curious, she calls the proprietor over: “Hey, whats the deal with this dil?” The shop owner says “Thats no ordinary dil, thats the mysterious voodoo dickf!”
“Voodoo dick? what’s that?”
The shop owner explains that a very powerful voodoo priestess that had no hands created it. "All you have to say is “Voodoo dick, and then say the body part where you want it.”
At this, the woman chuckled in disbelief and asked the clerk to wrap it up.
On the drive back to the hotel, curiosity gets the best of her. “Voodoo dick, pussy!” she says, and is immediately molested by the ol’ voodoo dick, doing what it was made to do.
The Voodoo dicks’ technique is good, and within minutes she is swerving all over the road.
A police officer sees this, and immediately pulls her over.
“Awright, lady, what the hell is your problem??” he says.
“It’s not me officer! I swear! It’s the voodoo dick!”
“What the hell?? Voodoo dick, my ass!”

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