So I was standing outside the Bellagio in Vegas awhile back having a smoke and this guy comes up to me with the usual sob story my wife is sick she needs an operation and if you could lend me some money I’d really appreciate it.
I told him I didn’t believe him and if I gave him any money he’d just go into the casino and gamble it away.
He said “oh no, I’ve got gambling money.”
I once gave a pocket full of change to a guy outside a barnes and noble in san diego simply because it was jingling around in my pocket while I was riding my bike, and he asked for it.
When I unlocked my bike and rode away I could hear coins hitting g the ground. I turned to look, and he was throwing away the fucking pennies. Fuck that guy. Ruined my day 
“I’m very old now and I’ve got a body like a dropped lasagne. Women now look at my naked body in the same fearful way that pensioners look at snow.” – Frankie Boyle
Frankie Boil is a legend. He always finds a way to offend someone. That alone makes him one of the best comedians EVER!
So I was standing in the check out line at the grocery store. Good looking cashier.
The young guy in front of me had 2 bananas, half pound of ground beef and a 6 pack.
Cashier says, you’re single aren’t you.
Guy says, can you tell that by what I bought?
Cashier says, no, your ugly!
I’m so ugly that when I went to see my proctologist he stuck his finger in my mouth.
My air conditioner quit working in my car so I stuck my head out the window and I got arrested for mooning.
I know I’m ugly,I went to talk to my psychiatrist and he made me lay down on my stomach.
When I was a kid I was really ugly,one time I was at the beach with my parents and I got lost,I saw a cop so I asked him do you think we will find them? He said I dunno kid,there’s so many places they can hide.
I was so ugly I remember when I was kid my parents took me to get my picture taken the pony threw me.
When i was born the doctor pulled my parents aside and said I’m sorry I did all I could but he pulled through anyway.
I was so ugly when I was born the doctor smacked me ,years later my mother told me the nurse got a few in too.
My dad told me I was so ugly that every time he bothered my mother for sex she showed him a picture of me so he let it go.
I was 12 years old when I found out there was no such thing as Alpo baby food.
I know I’m ugly,I went to a bar and told the bartender to make me a Zombie and he said God beat him to it.
On Halloween my wife sends the kids out dressed as me.
When I was 7 I said to my dad how come you never took me to the zoo? He said don’t worry about it,if they want you they’ll come and get you.
Rodney Dangerfield
So this head floats into a bar and everybody freaks. The head floats up to the bartender and says, “Bartender, pour me a bourbon.” The frightened bartender shakely pours a shot of bourbon and stands back. The head floats down to the glass and sucks it up in one sip.
POOF!!! the head becomes a full man! Everybody cheers! The man is ecstatic and yells, “Im back! I’m back! Bartender pour me a double!”
The smiling bartender pours out a double and the man chugs it down in one gulp and
POOF!!! The man disappears entirely!
Then from the void a feint voice is heard…
(Wait for it)
I guess i should have quit while i was a head.
So Nanook was going hunting seals in his kayak. But it was so cold (How cold was it? - People were farting snowflakes) So Nanook decided to make a little fire in his kayak and paddle out to sea. Unfortunately, the fire burned through the kayak, it sank and Nanook perished.
What is the moral of this story?
You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
Just one more…
A man rushed into a busy doctor’s surgery and shouted,
“Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!” The doctor calmly responded,
“Now, settle down. You’ll just have to be a little patient.”
why have females got legs?
…have you seen the mess a snail makes!!?
Why did the chicken cross the road?
buck-buck be-CAWs
(you have to bust in with the punchline in your best chicken voice)
Is “buttcheeks” one word, or do you have to spread them?
What do you call a homosexual dentist?
A tooth fairy.
Why did princess peach choke?
Mario came down the wrong pipe.
(Heard that somewhere, maybe here lol!)
So this old lady walks into a sex shoppe, and the cashier asks, can I help you ma’am? The old lady says sure, I’m looking for a dildo. The cashier says, well you’re in luck, we have a white dildo for $29.95 and a black dildo for $39.95. The old woman looks up an says, how much for that beige one on the top shelf. Cashier replies, oh, that one is $49.95. Old lady says I’ll take it!
Later that day, boss walks in and asks how’s sales today? Cashier tells him is been a good day so far. We sold 2 white dildos, a black dildo, and I sold my thermos for $49.95
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1 mrs hippie, 2 mrs hippie, 3 mrs hippie
Doctor! Doctor! You gotta help me! My penis has turned bright orange!
Doctor says, maybe it’s work related what do you do for a living.
I’m unemployed, I just sit around all day watching porn and eating Cheetos!
Mulla Nasrudin called his wife from the office and said he would like to bring a friend home for dinner that night. “What?” screamed his wife. “You know better than that You know the cook quit yesterday, the baby’s got the measles, the hot water heater is broken, the painters are redecorating the living room and I don’t even have any way to get to the supermarket to get our groceries.” “I know all that,” said Nasrudin. “THAT’S WHY I WANT TO BRING HIM HOME FOR DINNER. HE IS A NICE YOUNG MAN AND I LIKE HIM. BUT HE’S THINKING OF GETTING MARRIED.”
If you went camping and woke up with a condom hanging out of your ass would you tell anyone?
(Person says no)
You wanna go camping?
What do girls say to guys with big dicks?
(Person says i dont know)
I knew you wouldnt know