Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide
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The great specialist had just completed his medical examination of Mulla Nasrudin and told him the fee was $25. “The fee is too high I ain’t got that much.” said the Mulla. “Well make it $15, then.” “It’s still too much. I haven’t got it,” said the Mulla. “All right,” said the doctor, “give me $5 and beat it.” “Who has $5? Not me,” said the Mulla. “Well give me whatever you have, and get out,” said the doctor. “Doctor, I have nothing,” said the Mulla. By this time the doctor was in a rage and said, “If you have no money you have some nerve to call on a specialist of my standing and my fees.” Mulla Nasrudin, too, now got mad and shouted back at the doctor: “LET ME TELL YOU, DOCTOR, WHEN MY HEALTH IS CONCERNED NOTHING IS TOO EXPENSIVE FOR ME.”
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Did you guys and gals hear about the man who lost his left side……he’s all right lol
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Did you hear about the bloke who drank a bottle of varnish? He had a horrible death but a beautiful finish
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Why does the transgender only eat salads?
Because he was a her before.
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Mulla Nasrudin was talking in the teahouse on the lack of GOOD SAMARITAN SPIRIT in the world today. To illustrate he recited an episode: “During the lunch hour I walked with a friend toward a nearby restaurant when we saw laying on the street a helpless fellow human who had collapsed.” After a solemn pause the Mulla added, “Not only had nobody bothered to stop and help this poor fellow, BUT ON OUR WAY BACK AFTER LUNCH WE SAW HIM STILL LYING IN THE SAME SPOT.”
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The caravan was marching through the desert. It was hot and dry with not a drop of water anywhere. Mulla Nasrudin fell to the ground and moaned. “What’s the matter with him?” asked the leader of the caravan. “He is just homesick,” said Nasrudin’s companion. “Homesick? We are all homesick,” said the leader. “YES,” said Mulla Nasrudin’s companion “BUT HE IS WORSE. HE OWNS A TAVERN.”
Mulla Nasrudin’s son was studying homework and said to his father, “Dad, what is a monologue?” “A MONOLOGUE,” said Nasrudin, “IS A CONVERSATION BEING CARRIED ON BY YOUR MOTHER WITH ME.”
I find myself unable to laugh at these jokes? Is it, like, my shortcoming?
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Why do lesbian couples never cook?
Because they both eat out.
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Then look in the mirror!
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Done. Now what? Is this a new kind of joke?
I guess you must have lost your bread.
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Wife jokes:
I was having dinner at my boss’s house. His wife said “How many potatoes would you like?”
I said “Just one please.”
She said “Oh come on, don’t be so polite!”
I said “Ok. Just one, you ugly slag.”
A wife begins to question the faith of her husband. Wife: “Am I pretty or ugly?”
Husband: “You’re Both.”
A man with his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150.” The man thought about it and told the undertaker he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only spend $150.”
The man replied, “A very long time ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
Animal jokes:
A dog walks into a pub, and says to the barman, ‘Can I have a beer please’.
The barman says, ‘Wow, that’s amazing! You should join the circus!’
The dog replies, ‘Why? Do they need electricians?’
A Shetland pony walks into a bar and orders a drink,the bartender says what I didn’t hear you? The pony clears his throat and says sorry I’m a little horse.
A horse walks into a bar and stands at the counter for a good 5 minutes and the bartender pours him a glass of water and sets it in front of him. The horse says you’ll never make me drink that.
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Ok I get them all now, they’re pretty funny.
Fat woman walks into a bar. She has a duck with her. She puts the duck on the bar and hollers, “Bartender, I want 2 shots of whiskey.” The bartender says, “We don’t serve pigs in here.” Lady says, “Excuse me, but that happens to be a duck!” Bartender says, “Excuse ME! I was talking to the duck.”
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Reminds me of this time I saw a poor old woman fall down some steps as she was coming out the store while I was on my way in. At least I figured she was poor, only had a couple bucks in her purse.
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Try some home grown.
A Mexican, a Chinese and an American washing windows on the 8th floor of a sky scraper. Noon comes, they sit on the platform and begin lunch. The Mexican opens his lunch pail and pulls out two tacos. “Aye Curumba! Tacos again! If she give me tacos one more time I will jump off this scaffold and die!” The Chinese opens his lunch pail and cries “Ahhh! Again rice noodle! If she give me rice noodle one more time, I jump off this scaffold and die!” The American opens his lunch pail and not wanting to stand out, sighs…“Golly, Baloney sandwich on white bread. I guess if I get this one more time, I’ll jump off this scaffold and die.”
Next day they’re up to the 20th story. Noon comes and they sit down oon the platform to eat their lunch. The Mexican opens his lunch pail and screams, “Ayieee! Tacos again!” Jumps off the platform and dies. The Chinese man opns his lunch pail and cries “Rice noodle! No more!” jumps off the scaffold and dies. The American opens his lunch pail and gives a long sigh, “Baloney on white bread. Oh well…” jumps opf the scaffold and dies.
Later
At the church the three wives sit together through the cerimony. The Mexican wife is pulling her hair and sobbing violently. “Why or why diidn’t he tell me he didn’t like my tacos Why God why!” The Chinese woman has cut off all her hair and rocks back in forth as silent tears slide down her cheek. “Oh dear husband, why you not tell me you no like my rice noodle?” They both look over to the American wife who sits calmly doing her nails. She puts out her cigarette and says, “Why are you looking at me. He made his own lunch.”
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A very large woman walks into a bar and has a seat. She lifts up her arm to reveal a super hairy armpit and yells"who here will buy this lady a drink?" the bar goes quiet and then a guy who’s hammered yells" I will buy that ballerina a drink" and things resume as normal. She finishes the drink and once again lifts her arm up and yells “who here will buy this lady a drink?” the same drunk yells “I will buy that ballerina a drink!” … After the bartender pours her a drink he walks over to the drunk and says “it’s your business who you buy drinks for but why do you keep calling her a ballerina when she is so big? The drunk says” I figure any woman that big but can still lift her leg over her head has to be a ballerina."
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