A monkey is strolling around a lagoon one day, feeling bored, when he notices a lion getting a drink. Being bored, and not too smart, the monkey sneeks up behind the lion and whacks him on the scrotum with a stick.
The lion bellows in rage, and the monkey does a runner through the jungle. After a bit, the monkey stumbles upon a hunting camp, and knowing that the lion isn’t far behind dips into a hunters tent. The monkey throws on some hunters clothes, and then acts as if he is reading a newspaper to obscure his face. Within minutes, the lion comes roaring into the tent looking to beat some monkey ass.
The monkey dons his best human accent: " What is the meaning of this outlandish behavior??"
The lion says " I’m looking for a monkey who is about to get his ass kicked!"
The monkey stifles a giggle: “You mean the monkey that hit a lion in the nuts with a stick down by the lagoon?”
“Awwwwww, fuck!” says the lion. “You mean it’s in the goddam newspapers already?”
Had the police at me door the other day, they said me dogs had been chasing some fella on a bike.
I said, don’t be so fucking stupid, me dogs can’t ride a bike.
3 lads in Liverpool having an argument about who has the best dad.
First lads says my dad can run so fast he can overtake the cars in the outside lane of the motorway.
The second lad says, that nothing that, my dad can run that fast, he can fire a gun, run after the bullet and catch it.
Third lads says, that’s nothing that, my dad’s a bin man and works for Liverpool City Council, he finishes work at half five but he’s in the house by two
A priest a rabbi and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender says “what is this, a fucking joke?”
Billy and sammy , both next door neighbours ,are sitting in their front gardens havin a beer and chatting
On Billys radio it is announced that the curfew will start at 6 o’clock and anyone caught outside after , will be shot
A cyclist appears on the opposite side of the road , sammy pulls out a shotgun from the side of his deck chair and shoots him
Billy shouts “ fuck sake sammy , it’s only a quarter to six “
Sammy replies “ it’s all right , I know where he lives , he was never making it home in time “
Blackpool towers needed painting.
So Blackpool Council put an add in the national papers asking for firms to put tenders in for the job.
They get three applicants and decide to interview them all on the same day.
The first in is Jones the Painters from Cardiff.
They ask him how much to paint the tower then.
Mr Jones replies £30,000.
The council ask him for a breakdown of his figures.
Mr Jones replies, well £10,000 costs, £10,000 wages and £10,000 profit.
The council tell him that’s all very good but they have two others to interview and they will let him know.
The second to be interview is Smiths painters and decorators to the Gentry from London.
The council ask him the same question and Mr Smith tells then it would cost £60,000
Again the council ask him to give them a break down of his figure.
Well he says it would be £20,000 costs, £20,000 wages and £20,000 profit.
The council give him the usual line about being in touch and call in the third applicant. Murphy’s painters from Dublin.
They ask Mr Murphy how much and he replies £90,000.
The council are a little taken aback by this amount and ask Mr Murphy to give them a break down of his figures, he replies.
Well £30,000 for me, £30,000 for you and we,'ll get the Welsh twat to do it.
I’m hanging DL at tha DH with a PHD in TLC to tha THC
An OD of initialism? IDK! as if the world aint FUBAR enough already 
I went to the zoo today, they only had one dog. It was a shih tzu.
This thread really cheers me up.
I was just thinking about my Grandfather’s last words to me “Stop shaking the ladder you little assho-”
There’s a first, usually I can’t get no respect.
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!” – Rodney Dangerfield
I’m from the Netherlands and I really like these jokes 
can you think of some more? are much more fun than Dutch jokes. Or I’m just really high, that’s also possible 
Prostitution is the best business in the world. You got it, you sell it, and you still got it.
“It’s a little known fact the Dutch language actually began as a joke.”
Saw that comment below a YouTube video once and laughed for a solid ten minutes. Couldn’t resist
Stationary store moves.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
I told my wife our kid is spoiled. She said it’s no big deal, lots of kids smell that way.
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Awful.