Make like a hockey player and get the puck outta here
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I was once told I was insignificant and wouldnāt be remembered. I assured them that when I go, Iām taking enough people with me that I WILL be remembered. Thats not crazy? Right?
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Iāve been called worse by better people than you.
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Iāve fought tougher women than you!
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Donāt make me slap your sisters taste outta your mouth!
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Busier than a two dollar whore on half off day!
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Thanks a lot. There goes my coffee. Straight out my nostrils.
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It was the least I could do. So never let it be said that I donāt do the least that I can do.
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Ive been called worse things by better people
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We are but grains of sandā¦shaking our fists at the tide.
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Life is empty and meaningless, and itās empty and meaningless that itās empty and meaningless
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āJust because you put syrup on it donāt make it pancakes.ā
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Scrapple for instance!
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That is from Albert Einstein! I like that one as well! 
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Momma always said: That boy is so tough he wears his clothes out from the inside.
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Beat it kid, you bother me.
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Classic W.C. Fields line. He had so many great one-liners!
āI am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.ā
āIt aināt what they call you, itās what you answer to.ā
āIf you canāt dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.ā
āA rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.ā
āI like children. If theyāre properly cooked.ā
āNever try to impress a woman, because if you do sheāll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.ā
āAh, the patter of little feet around the house. Thereās nothing like having a midget for a butler.ā
Okay, Iāll stop.
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Itās not often you meet a fellow W.C. Fields Fan. Cheers, brother!
āItās morally wrong to let a sucker keep his moneyā
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In 1970/71, I worked as a live-in housekeeper for a woman whoās father was one of Fieldsā drinking partners. Fields had a place in Cathedral City, near Palm Springs. At the time, Cathedral City was basically nothing but dessert, and while Palm Springs had a little infrastructure and a few people living there, it was virtually unknown.
Fields and pops would go on days long benders out there, and to keep life interesting and lively, theyād put 11 year old Dorothy (later to be my boss) in the driverās seat of Fieldsā Model T and point it out across the dessert. She said if she really stretched her right leg and torso out, she could just barely both keep the gas pedal absolutely flat to the floor (that was job one!) and be able to peek out over the dashboard to see where she was going. Her being able to see where she was going was absolutely secondary. It didnāt matter to them, only to her!
Fields and pops would be drunk off their asses, one on each side of the car standing on a running board with a .22 pistol in one hand and the other arm around the door post, trying to shoot jack rabbits! You know, a fella has to eatā¦
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Never ask anyone else to do something you arent willing to do yourself.
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