My mother’s is “better than a kick in the ass with a frozen mukluk.“
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Couldn’t organise a pissup in a brewery.
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My personal favourites, since someone asked.
Fuck you, and the horse you rode in on. (Good for a scrap up the pub everytime lol @anon58740919)
I’m putting the jug on, you want me to make you a nice big cup of shut the fuck up?
License and rego? Your mate took my license last week, don’t tell me you carnts lost it.
I’m not blowing in the bag, I’ll break the crystals, and then you’ll do me for destruction of pubic (not a typo) property too.
Take a long walk off a short pier.
Are you the pubsluts son, son.
Those will usually start the night, but for cowards and retards, I’ve got special ones. (Special with a th)
Pack up your crayons and stop licking the windows, ok.
Wait, is this in the tank?
Bloody hell, it’s whinersday, I hope so princess
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This is why I fucking love the Aussies 
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Bunch of (edited), I meant flowers.
Yea, flowers.
But flowers upset my sinuses.
Fucking Aussies,
Reminds me of another saying…
“Yes, but what would you do”
Normally followed by crack,crack. Ahhh, lifes good, yea.
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What’s a mukluk?
I don’t wanna be kicked by one, but i’ll watch first time.
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Um, What the fuck?
Like a moccasin?
Ballbag stretched over the foot to protect from cold?
Really?
@Tappy
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More sayings
Move along …we already have a village idiot
ya mum should of swallowed you
its all fun and games until somebody loses an eye
Hey train wreck…this isn’t your stop
After talking to you … I now understand why incest is bad
Can your mother sew ? …well get her to stitch this fucker then ( and que Headbutt )
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When God was handing out brains, you thought he said milkshakes, and asked for double thick, or what?
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play it smart, play it safe, don’t put your hands where you
wouldn’t put your face
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Since we have moved of to arcing up a biff at the pub… apologies for any offensive sexist language in advance… 
Here have a spoon of cement and harden the fuck up.
Mate, you got a face like a dropped pie/smashed crab/busted fan belt/ kicked in biscuit tin
You fucking dickhead/knob jocky/knob scone/fuckwit/shitcunt
Your bushpig missus got an arse like the back end of a bus mate
Your so fkn useless you couldn’t get a root in a brothel
Get a big, black dog up ya
you’d lose your balls if they weren’t in a sack
mate your missus didn’t get hit by the ugly stick. She fell out of the ugly try and smashed every branch on the way down
Hey fuck knuckle
Give us a ciggy you mong
I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire
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“Only in a Police State is the job of a Policeman easy.” Orson Welles
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Love all of those, especially the last one, I may have to use that one sometime lol
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Hey baby, you must of fell from heaven…
Cause your face is some fucking mangled
You there!! Ya got a face on ya like a can of smashed assholes
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My father setting at a table full of guys…i don’t remember who he was referring to " You walk in a room and everyone there is an asshole, you might just be looking through the wrong set of eye’s"
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“Information is not knowledge.
Knowledge is not wisdom.
Wisdom is not truth.
Truth is not beauty.
Beauty is not love.
Love is not music.
Music is THE BEST.”
― Frank Zappa
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An old man I used to work with had this saying.
“If women didn’t have all the pussy there’s be a bounty on their heads.”
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In my early 20’s My Dad used to drop words of wisdom on me
My favourite one is
Son … if your going to be a c&nt
Then be a good c&nt , cause nobody likes a shit c&nt !
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