“Couldn’t make a shit sandwich if you gave them 2 pieces of bread”
“stiffer than a wedding night prick” (car suspension)
“slower than snakeshit”
“thinner than dickskin”, “a cunt-hair” (fine measurements/adjustments)
-(my old boss)
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No matter how bad things get, it can always get worse. Someone, somewhere, is being eaten alive right now.
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My fave saying when someone asks if I want to smoke with them…
Is the Pope Catholic? 
Worse part is most people get this dumb glazed look on their faces while they are trying to figure out if he is or not. Even a few Catholics I know got the same looks at first. 
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Heard this one on youtube “if you cant make it perfect, make it adjustable”
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In for a penny, in for a pound.
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“If it floats, flies or fucks rent it” lol
My gramps always said god helps those who help themselves.
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The only difference between you and someone you envy, is that you settled for less. - dr phil
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Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
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Advice from my dad when I decided to sell my first motorcycle and I was afraid to ask very much for it.
“Always shoot for the moon or you’ll never get over the curb, and remember, there’s an ass for every seat.”
He was also fond of “If you dont shoot for the moon, you’ll blow your own damn dick off.”
Also, ‘Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey’ and ‘Colder than a witches tits.’
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People in hell want ice water
The best things in life are expensive, fattening or illegal.
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My lady said “I don’t care for your cocky attitude.”
I said “yes you do.”
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Hold my beer and watch this
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Mom had some winners example
If you lost something and dared to ask where it was
She would say
“ if it where up your ass you’d know where it was “
Now as a kid I use to wonder how it got there 
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Thats funny cuz I use this saying NOW and I think I got it from my mom, too! Great moms think alike, maybe?
I like getting my “blurbs” from shows or movies and such, where you can hear the inflection and all that…
From Adventure Time…
“Im gonna sass them up something nasty!”
That one gets me rolling every time!
HAPPY NEW YEARS
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a couple of oldies I hear now and again
- well we ain’t here to fuck spiders
- ya get that on the big jobs
- fair suck of the sav mate
- your right you are special… window licking special !
- do bears shit in the woods
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I never thought I’d even have a passing thought that Phil McGraw has anything intelligent to say.
Then I thought about it for a second… And he probably heard it from his mother or wife or something. That bald fucker is useless.
“I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” - Hunter S. Thompson
I’ve lived most of my life according to that line, and it’s fuckin’ worked so far.
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My back teeeth are floatin
Touchin cloth
Winners make it happen
Losers let it happen
Aim for the fringe
Not the minge lol
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