My heart to yours bud. My mom was uber cruel at times to me and we still don’t get along but I’m lucky I guess that I was able to turn this into a need to understand why from her POV and it sadly was layers of oppression so culturally deep that the toxicity was irreparable in her… but it IS repairable in others; and that’s my focus: recognize the toxic cycles and instead of dishing them back do the harder thing and try to change them, even just a little.
I hear you and can only respond as follows: you are not an enemy unless you actively do things to ensure the negativity cycle continues. When I “clued in” how all of this effects my ability to help others, it hurt sooo much because I felt at fault; but it was just by association. I needed to unlearn a bunch of things that have truly made life sooo much better; but better does not equate to easier
Like this post. I do not want to bring folks down by typing this here; on OG one of my few safe spaces… BUT, for those that read this that can relate to me will know that they are not alone.
So for me it’s the hard choice but one made in hopes of helping other’s not be alone; and it’s the same reason I post my gardening fuck-ups on my thread so we can all learn together
This seems to be a situation where the Point-of-View gun would help. You and I see the situation of a woman refusing to interact with you because of her issues with other men very differently, clearly.
My mom was fine, until she disintegrated into a lunatic mess and tried to commit suicide multiple times, eventually doing so while I was in the next room and got stuck with having to hold her hand and try to talk her down. I later learned that this was all because of her issues with other men, namely her father; and that the most kind thing she did for me before she finally did kill herself was to have the self-control not to kill me first. You could say I’m slightly triggered by women who take their issues with men out on others.
I see a refusal to interact with 50% of the world because you had issues in childhood as ensuring the cycle continues, so to me, that story about you having to back off and let a female co-worker take over because your customer couldn’t interact with you as exactly that; something that ensures the cycle continues.
I feel I need to break this one down a little to ensure my perspective is understood.
It’s not fully “letting a female co-worker take over because your customer couldn’t interact with you”; they always get the info they need but it’s their own self confidence within the interaction that’s the concern. After they bounce thoughts with my colleague the “wall” i’m referring is either down or lessened upon the repeated interactions as time goes by. I don’t hand-over, I stand aside and make sure I’m there as part of the conversation BUT in the background. This way my colleague also continues to grow and gain experience to become the tour de force for good she is as she knows that she can reference anything I may know she doesn’t (like I do with her! lol).
I’m still having trouble seeing anything past your first description, of a woman so traumatized by the horrors of interacting with men at a counter that she can’t do it anymore, so she puts a wall up and refuses to interact with you until you back off. That strikes me as very passive-aggressive, manipulative behavior. I don’t think validating and rewarding it, in general, is doing anyone any favors. Of course, the fact that you’re talking about the workplace does make things very different. She’s not interacting with you by choice, nor are you with her, so making concessions to make the brief interactions you need to have easier are fine.
To me, that read like a validation of this kind of behavior in general, not just in the workplace. I’m not condoning racist or sexist jokes, just saying I’m not going to overcompensate for someone else’s issues with perfectly normal, friendly behavior. Minority groups don’t get to demand equality and special treatment all at once, imo. They’re mutually exclusive. Frankly, even demanding immunity to insult comedy is a bit ridiculous. Why is it ok to mock an old, bald white man for going bald due to genetics but not a black woman? People have been getting mocked for genetic baldness for hundreds of years. Or is this a condemnation of all insult comedy? If so, that’s at least equality, though you do have hundreds of years worth of laughs to fight through if that’s the case.
For me it’s all rooted in one this: Trauma and it’s understanding.
That’s all if I wanted to get simplistic about it. Her trauma is as valid as mine, just different, and I would appreciate if someone tried to work with my needs in place if it’s possible. In my example, I cannot meet these needs but have a way (with coworker) to do so and therefore do it. As a result the trauma in her is lessened and for me there’s a deeper understanding due to the overall interaction.
For the bald male thing; I know so many successful bald men and there’s a defined cultural attractiveness that is in play culturally. This is not the same for a woman, and then add that they are black or indigenous people of colour into the mix and things are much more complicated.
I CANNOT RELATE on a personal level; I have 2-3 ft dreads and facial hair but can understand after learning about their experiences. That being said, I also know many “homer” type white males with both physically and mentally beautiful women that would have been “confusing to see together” back in the cultural norm of the 80/90’s and it’s amazing
I haven’t been watching anything, and probably should since it’ll distract me away from this. We seem to be going in circles anyway. I’ll be watching some good, old-fashioned Simpsons to get away from all the controversy…
Damn, even the Simpsons are chasing their tail on this.
Why was my first thought to make a montage of the destruction parts with Aenima from Tool playing? It started with the “gravity wave” when I just heard the “learn to swim” part of the song
I really need to watch The Pacific. I watched an episode or two when it came out and it just wasn’t grabbing me like the original did. Sometimes it just takes one more episode to get hooked though. Is West World over yet? I watched a season or two of that and liked it but I would rather binge stuff these days than wait for new episodes.
I started A Handmaid’s Tale after a few people I know kept raving about it. Pretty crazy show and I liked it but halfway through I wondered if the series was over or still going but I didn’t want to risk spoilers so I didn’t look it up. Hit an ad for new episodes on what turned out to be the last season and was like DAMN!
I’ve been watching the Rust Valley show too.
They are located 3 hours or so away from me.
I see some people I know in real life on the show at times, pretty cool.
I watched the 2 or 3 seasons that were on netflix and liked it. That little troll sidekick guy cracks me up cause he reminds me of the little troll sidekick guy from American Movie. I find myself jealous of their views fairly often too!
We seem to be going in circles anyway. I’ll be watching some good, old-fashioned Simpsons to get away from all the controversy…
