How does one start over?

[Sasquatch]

Many good things said here so far. @Smokinrav , I too was blindsided by divorce proceedings. Found out later that she was seeing someone at work and had it all planned out. She did marry said guy shortly after the divorce was final. During the divorce she blatantly lied in court and court filings, while I tried to play nice. Because of the inherent lack of justice in the family law system two decades ago in the jurisdiction we lived. I was not granted even shared physical custody, and was relegated to seeing my kids every other weekend, Wednesdays, and certain holidays. Over the years I moved three times to stay in my kids lives at the cost of treasure, job stability, relationships.They were fairly young at the time. Now my kids are 22 and 25, and I have a great relationship with them!

“Murderous” thoughts, yes, I had them. I am now civil to my ex, don’t have to see her many more times in my life. I have come to feel sorry for her, her actions and deceit over the life of our relationship indicate much abuse from her family of origin and definitely mental illness. If I had been more wise and trusted my gut, I would have initiated divorce years earlier, but I was blind to it at the time, and living too much in my head and not enough with my heart and being.

Regarding the murderous thoughts, I overcame them by understanding that first of all, nothing positive would come of such action. That I would leave my kids a legacy and reality that would affect them forever, as well as throwing away any chance for peace and happiness in my life. Trust me, in a cage is no place to live, a physical cage or a self constructed mental cage. I came to understand that victory for me is to live my best life and to cultivate a relationship with my kids, that just her nature alone will bring her to her Waterloo some day, without me lifting a finger. As the years have gone by, I find myself much less angry.

My rules for talking to my kids were, always tell them the truth and never say anything bad about their Mom. At this age, they both understand how it really went down between their Mom and I, and realize the depths of her lies, manipulation, and dis function that continue today.

Alchohol is an enemy to you at this moment my friend. It will hurt you in your desire to be in your kids lives again. Smoke herb!!!

Choose to live positively, thoughts of revenge will drag you down. For me it took avoiding alcohol completely for a time, trying to keep my mind in the “now”, and realize that you can live and move on and still have a great life, regardless of past trauma and injustice.

Positive energy headed your way!!!

[Hemp]

That was some very good words man. I have been through all that stuff. I’m sorry that happens to anybody. I was dragged from my parents at a very young age. Got left. I guess the color of my hair was not what they were looking for. Divorce is hard especially when someone is cheating. They try and lie. And then the ones that really get hurt are your children. I truly understand trying to live near your kids. That takes a true man to do that.

[mainerJ]

i have walked in your shoes @Smokinrav …misery loves company. do not live in the past and let that misery drag you down. once you become the company to misery it is easy to fall into the pity pot and be the victim of anger, resentment and feeling sorry for yourself. took me a while for me to climb out of that pitty pot. but thanks to the wisdom of others words i got the strength to climb out. the hardest part for me was forgiving myself for the mistakes i made, intentional or unintentional. NO ONE MAKES US FEEL ANYTHING… we make our self feel things. once i realized that i took a big step out of that pot. i took responsibility for my feelings and where they took me. like what was mentioned above, no one has yesterday, no one has tomorrow. all we have is right now this minute this day. leave that misery in the past where it belongs. let go of it! do not empower the misery of times past and allow it to bring you down.[ stop shooting yourself in the foot] stop worrying about tomorrow and the what ifs.live each moment doing the best you can do just for today just for the moment and you will feel better knowing you did good making the right choices not to inflict self destruction behaviors and thoughts. we cannot change the past or see the future. live in the moment. it takes time and is a lot of hard work. it will always comes down to choices. make good choices in your life in this day and moment and life will gets better. lots of good words here for you in this thread. you got this dude! hang in there choose to feel good! it is always easier said than done. you can choose to feel good about yourself in this day/moment or you can choose to live in the past and be the company to misery. living the good life in this day/moment i know for a fact will bring a bright future to you. i am living proof of that. will be thinking of and hoping for you!

[Judsbuds]

If you really want to get back at your ex let her see you living your best life, happy, without her.

[DougDawson]

@Smokinrav

But that can’t replace the years of folks experience.

Brother, that is an age old problem. One can never make up for lost time. It’s just not possible. I always remember this quote. “Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is a dream. Today is the day you make your mark - to make a difference.” Nobody has the power to change or undo the past. All you can do is be the best you that you can be today with every thought and action.

Seeing someone once a week is a great thing, glad you sought out some help. Hopefully time and help will allow you to move forward in a healthy and productive way and let you start seeing that there really is a wonderful world out there full of joy if you can just embrace it.

[buckaroobonsai]

I’ll say this… don’t kill her, the first 2 years were the hardest for me, if I would have had my way… I would still be bending till I break, but she pressed the issue and so she got her way, just like always. Now I have a great girl in my life and haven’t been so happy maybe ever. I know it’s hard… but getting divorced could wind up being a blessing in disguise, find a nice girl… it’ll make all the difference, and don’t look back…you’re not heading that way!

[CADMAN]

#1 thing you MUST do FIRST is Love yourself!

If you don’t take care of YOU first, your no good to anyone els!

What I mean is, start a hobby that makes you smile & feel better ( Growing Weed ) or other hobby.

Don’t worrie about dealing with the Ex, it’s old news & unless your required to, Don’t…

Your kids will come around WHEN you show them with your actions that your doing good, happy, stable, engaged in things you like, ya know living the life you always wanted… THEN your Daughters will take notice & be more responsive…

It’s up to YOU how/when your life makes you happy again…

It’s ok if you don’t act on my recommendations, I’m just some 40yr old dude from the internet with 5 kids, 3 are adults now. I’ve also VERY MUCH been in your shoes as well… Didn’t get to speak with my kids for YEARS, untill I actually did what I’m recommending to you.

It takes time, lots of time! But slowly shit gets better, just make small changes in your life untill your satisfied with it.

Hope your day today, has been better then yesterday’s.

[chronix]

Some very great advice in this thread!

[BeagleZ]

I had a hard time with my divorce because of betrayal as well. It will eat you alive if you let it.

I met a girl who taught me a very simple thing… accept and release… that’s it.

I then married her, will be celebrating our 10year anniversary in a few weeks and have 2 beautiful children. That first wife seems like a story I heard once now.

Keep your head up, accept and release and enjoy the rest

[Vigor]

Wow. Beautifully put sir!

[Ras]

Well brother, sorry to hear that…
But even if it sounds hard, you’ve got to move on! She wasn’t the one so just focus on your kids and just keep a cordial rs with your ex.
Also keep in mind that evil gets fed by evil, so take that shit away and start doing things you enjoy! Forgive the past! Live with that kind of stuff in the head is no good for no one.
A good step would be to quit alcohol(it helps, obviously because of its effect, but it does more harm than good in this type of cases), get on with a hobby that you love, and also get support from your people.
Its not easy i know but its way more difficult to be all your life angry about this than the time you would be recovering!
Having said this, I hope everything goes well brother!! Much love from here! If you need to talk or anything hit me up! And dont abuse the liquor!! As bob marley said too much of anything isnt good for nothing!!

[Ras]

Shit! Thats a heck of a nice ending story!! Glad you could overcome that!! We gotta keep in mind that having rs is a learning curve! You gotta fail before you success and find the one! Also rs are not easy! They are hard! Also on your case, it is well said that people with those kind of attitudes definitely either have trauma or smth(no offense) because it shows that there is almost no empathy! As I said glad you stepped over that and now you are living a good life! Your kids definitely will thank that!

[Habobanero]

@Smokinrav As one who has risen from the ashes a few times myself, my advice to you is be kind to yourself. Eat healthy, exercise, enjoy the world around you, watch inspiring movies, laugh “a lot”, go on a road trip, get out in nature, meditate, try to look at things from a different perspective, do whatever made you happy. The more you invest in yourself the easier your journey will be. My other bit of advise would be to put the ego in check, don’t stay down when you fall, and always reach out when it gets overwhelming.

[Ras]

This comment while its true its also a little bit bad, professionals are what they are obviously and you should seek theyre help always! But also asking for people advice is really good, as we can see this type of stuff is not related to one couple only, and we can all share our experience and give advice on what it helped us, it may not help you, but at least is there in case it does, sometimes mental health professionals arent that ‘professional’ unfortunately
Dont take this as an attack or anything! Its all love! Just wanted to add this!

[the_bot]

best help you can get is professional (depending on where you live there might be good quality NGO or affordable options), its never too late and its never a weakness. before it eats you man. good luck.

these might bee good places to start if you are in the us:

• Help for Mental Illnesses - National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) (National Institute of Mental Health first contact directory)

• Find A Therapist - Behavioral Tech Institute (Therapy Directory for DBT)

[curiouscat]

Ride a bike sure to put pleasure between your legs. Make you feel happy and healthy… plus the urge to have a “fix” will decrease…

Surf? Skate?

Take a sport? Run? Gym? Get fit as fuck, then she will wish she hadn’t left you

Go for walks… in a park, forest etc go places that were frowned upon…do the things that you always wanted and couldn’t do

Get a dog… it’s amazing how easy it is to meet people when you have a dog…

Take AA meetings sober up, kids don’t want a drunk dad…

Get a therapist… with time things will get better… it’s the in between that is the hardest and the more occupied… and busy you are the better.

Unfortunately all the words and incentives only play a small part… you need to go through the process…

I’m sure in the end you will find a way to get your girls back and your life.

Have patience…

Change what you can and accept what you can’t.

Peace and stay strong

[buzzmobile]

Long time since last seeing you, @Smokinrav. I’m sorry to read about the anger you are facing. That’s the elephant.

How To Eat an Elephant - Goal Setting One Bite At A Time by Jeff Muir

Small bites and small steps add up. A simple note to your daughters to let them know how you feel pride in their accomplishments is a small bite.
The Only Way to Eat an Elephant

[webeblzr]

It took me years to get over it, a few bar room brawls, a DUI, and loss of everything, wife, kids, home, friends.
There is no easy road. There is no, relief from words, for your mind right now. It is not a day to day horror hell, it is minute by minute fist fight!
As others have stated, finding a solution to first keep going, was for me, my first step at building a mangled tattered life back together, I did not realize that then, but it was.
The best words given to me that I hold on to, to this day, was I had to build a life for myself.
That I needed to look at life coming at me, and work on letting the past go.
So easy to say, so fucking hard to do.
I personally did things I never did in my past life, and that is how I see it now. I now know we live 5-6 different lives during our lifetime.
I started to rebuild an old car, to eat some time. I took some painting classes, I started read voraciously! I found get solace in book stores. I wandered antique stores, and never bought a thing, LOL!
I went hiking, fished for days on end, prowling trout streams in many different states.
I was not online yet so nothing like that did I have to fritter away some hours.
Focus on YOU!
Alcohol is your mortal enemy, when the human mind is in turmoil. I know that also, as I was drunk as young man, and building a family got me out of that mind set.
Now I was asked to walk away from them, it called to me constantly. Early on, I answered, and drank my way to a DUI…best thing that happened to me. Cost me many thousands of dollars, and gave my mind a new horror to chew on. BUT not a good way man.
To find peace, I changed up even minor things like my taste in music, I started to listen to stuff I hated, to stuff I never gave a chance. Hell I even ended up going to see classical music, and it was astounding!
You are in the toughest fist fight ever man, for control of your mind thought process, and it is fucking hard!
I found a small path and made it a walkway, that turned in a life path.
5 years of wandering for me.
5 years of some of the most lonely time I faced while doing my earth bound life sentence.
5 years of dining alone, going to movies alone.
Then it changed, a day break of sorts, and slowly I had no more pain of my past. I’ve learned to turn it to positive.
Hell when my ex was dying of cancer, I went down to Johns Hopkins to visit her, to forgive and forget all of our hard times. Some Buddha parables, helped me with that
Your death is final, do not do that. Her death offered me no peace at all, as my kids were crushed by it.
Me fighting back, even falling down, to get back up, was better than keeping a hate filled mind, as your moving forward with something to focus on.
I wish you the very very best smokingrav, I wish I had the answers, all I can do is give you what I did to survive my failed 3rd life.

[Foreigner]

Only somewhat related but as soon as I got divorced I signed up for a university certificate program I didn’t even want.

I had to do something to keep from going crazy.

Still have the certificate

[Smokinrav]

Thank you all for the help. Not sure im better yet, but I have joined an AA group, as much as I hate the higher power shit, they’re good peeps to talk to. And free pizza every Wednesday! Hell yeah!