Ok awesome I removed her dome as the clover last night told it to fuck off as it was in their way. They've been gradually lifting it little by little giving it more fresh air and allowing it to get used to the 35% I've seen the last couple days in there. The Average has evened out and any time I go in there now or look in the window to check on them I see the humidity is about 35-37% the only time it gets higher is right after watering and for that day/night. The next day I see the average Rh until they need water is 35% and once I see 26% it's time to water. So far that's the pattern in the tent. Same for Tulip and Zelda. The tent has overall evened out across the board.
I've been thinking of mulch next grow to keep the soil healthy next time. The way it dries out in my environment isn't good imo. I spent months banging my head against a wall trying to find out what's wrong with my tent. I still don't know why it's so hard to get the environment stable at all. The soil alone is extremely annoying and after this grow it's all getting dumped in the bin outside I'll be growing potatoes in. After I get a job I'll work on amending that soil at a later date.
For now I'm just happy that it's in the range I want it in this stage. It could be better, but if it's holding at the range I want I'll take it. I've been having too many panic attacks lately. I've been shutting down and staring at nothing for hours lately.
As for the difficulty in gardening it's more about bending over that's my problem. I have no balance in my legs at all. If I lean over all my weight is above my legs and I fall over with no way to lean back in time as my whole back locks up when I panic. It's Happening much more frequently than it ever has, so if I don't trust that I can bend over that day I'll do the bare minimum or try to lay down and tend to the garden.
Apparently I down play how bad my back is as it impedes my quality of life and makes me have to compromise on everything now. 20lbs is enough to cause a burning stabbing pain in my middle back and I'm lifting with my legs.
I had hurt my back in 2016 and 2017. The reason I had started growing in secret originally was because I was crippled at that time. I'm still in recovery, but I'm stubborn and won't let myself rest for a half a year laying down. Then again laying down and sitting down for extended times hurts too.
Seriously FML 🧟♂️
I want the feeling that cannabis used to give me in 2013 back. When all the issues I brought up first showed up were even worse than now. I couldn't even get out of bed back then without help. I could actually hear my spine grinding on itself, so I'd just not move of course.
I try not to go into detail about it because I just sound like I'm whining. At least that's what those around me used to like to say. Then those same people no longer say that after seeing my back last year. It's warped badly. Even standing up straight it's bulging out. In the sciatic region it has a apple sized lump of spinal column that won't move at all. Plenty of pain, but no muscle control or movement even with force applied.
I've had a bad back since I was 10. All the same pains as growing pains really.
My lower back slips a disc or something regularly as the coccyx is off center too often. I'll pop my lowest column I can manage and I usually feel my legs again.
When I say something about my back I try not to go into details. As you can see here it's a lot to deal with and on average I'm just trying to find a way to walk without pain. I've been out and moving despite it all in hopes that the constant moving will help my back alignment. So far it's helped my sciatic region. Now once the leftover high from all the caramel I had yesterday afternoon wears off I'll be able to see how bad it is off my meds. For the last year I've been afraid to take a proper tbreak. The last one I took after a week I couldn't stand still anymore without nearly fainting after 5 minutes.
I'm learning that I have crippling anxiety also, so that doesn't help me. I get asked where all my energy comes from all the time. The answer is panicking. Lots of panic attacks. The only thing that makes it tolerable is cannabis. Well Valium too, but I felt an instant dependency on it after the first time taking it. I asked my mother and it's the same way with her too. She also gets the I can't live without this and I need this to function thought after taking it.
I've already walled the post, so I'll cut it short here. I've been complaining too much.