Around here the most common things people steal is catalytic converters and bicycles. 
Not sure what I would steal… If they were a shitty cat owner I would steal/rescue the cat. 
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Not necessarily stealing, but I’d switch my 2 daughters’
Tiktok or Roblox accounts on their phones since neither of them know their own passwords lol. Because I know neither of them will switch phones temporarily and most certainly would be an inconvenience to my wife. Or maybe I’d just be screwing myself? I could see all 3 ganging up on me. 
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Take all keys in a ziplock bag, put them in a pitcher of water weighed down with gravel in the freezer.
Leave purposely wrong scavenger hunt notes all over the house.
Bonus points if they miss court as a result.
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I’m guessing a lot of you have older refrigerators. LOL. Ice Cube Trays? I think I am at least 2 fridges beyond them. Icemakers are a wonderful thing!
I’m gonna add the cable modem / router to my list.
The mouse for their PC
The MicroSD cards in their phones / cameras
IF they still have them, I am replenishing MY 10mm sockets from their set
The cap to the toothpaste tube
The hydraulic thing that keeps screen doors from slamming
The flag on their mailbox
Snow shovels (it’ll be a while till they figure that one out)
The batteries from the thermostat
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Ok I’ll play I’d steal the fitted sheets leaving the regular ones, and the coffee pot or Keurig pods
You might be doing me a favor. Mine NEVER stay on (king sized bed w/ pillow topper).
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Glad it’s not just me
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And besides that, what kind of black magic do you need to know in order to fold the damn things? I just kinda roll em in a ball. Who cares if the sheet is wrinkled!?!?! LOL
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So I learned how to fold one from my mother she was very particular about everything being just so, I’m with u on who cares if it’s wrinkled it’s a pretty cool trick to have up ur sleeve, Ive seen videos let me see if I can find one, this isn’t how I do it gives u an idea tho honestly I usually wash it n put it right back on the bed no folding or wrinkles easy peasy
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This one takes the cake…
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Someone stole my sanity and I barely noticed it.
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The ballcock
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Just replace the chain on the flush valve with the "string" on a paddle ball game.
wont flush and when they first look inside it will appear to be hooked up correctly.
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I’d remove all the batteries in the remote control units (leaving them empty), then replace all of the good batteries in that open package in the refrigerator with dead ones. Then I’d randomly scatter all of the good batteries around the house in obscure but likely to be found places.
I would take a ripe peeled banana, break it in half and gently tuck each half into one of the two shoes of different pairs. The shoes would long enough to hide the half. The pointy ends of the bananas into the toes of the shoes.
Finally, if I were feeling particularly devious, I would sugar the beds. I would have brought the powdered sugar myself. No actual theft! 
A very light dusting with powdered sugar is a terrible thing to do. The sleeper is unlikely to notice it when they get into bed, but once asleep and they get hot and sweat a little…
Sugaring a bed is a really mean thing to do to a person. But the bananas…
An old housemate did that to me once, but Ronnie put the halves in one pair of shoes. I felt something in my shoe prior to the big squish and thought, I wonder where the other half is? I considered my revenge all day. I decided to do nothing. He tore his room apart for hours! Drove him nuts! Yeah, I finally told him.
@bunny, I’m out of likes, but OMFG, only now do I realize THAT’S what must have happened to me so long ago! Thank you for the clarification!
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I once put a dead fish inside the closet rod at an apartment where I had a roommate that I hated.
Obviously I did this as I was moving out.
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When I was 17, I moved to the Lynn Valley in N. Vancouver, B.C. I was on probation in L.A. and my PO wouldn’t let me live with my folks. Good choice. I had a sister and bro-in-law who had recently moved to the Lynn Valley and they agreed to take me in, where I would theoretically finish high school. As it turns out, nope.
In the Valley, there was a group of guys about my age (buncha fuckin’ stoners, doncha know) who called themselves the Lynn Valley Smiling Crab Society. LVSCS graffiti (a big smiling crab) was everywhere. One of the guys dad’s was a crab fisherman. Every so often he’d grab a couple of crabs, put 'em in a box and mail 'em to the local cop shop. The crabs would ripen in transit. Several days later there’d be cops EVERYWHERE asking who the hell are these people, this LVSCS?!?!
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That’s a beautiful thing.
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So is that! 
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‘Thieves never leave’
…said the driveway sign. 
Forget dog, beware of owner. Dog greet you, we eat you.
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hmmmm absolutly nithung last year when my dughter and i lived in florida just befoe we moved out of state someone put a tracker on my truck and knew whe we werent at home and robbed us blind we finally found out who but there was nothing that could be done popo said no proof she did it not even the text messages saying that they did it were any good
peace