Sometimes family will surprise you and where they stand over time…
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I just honestly expected my deadbeat dad would be the one I cut out for life. Not my mother who I’ve kept in my life just because of social norms only.
I’m supposed to always love and cherish my mom, but TBH she makes it hard to do that.
It’s been 5 years since I had a proper conversation with her. Instead it’s just yelling at me if I start to talk even if I haven’t talked to her in a month. First they I say in 30 days and I don’t even get 5 words in before I’m told I’m talking too much
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I’m verry high & tired at the momen @OniTenshu so I apologize for being short in replying; I know some of my limits. 
No doubt about it, the people around us affect us, and vice-versa. All things are interdependent 
and force won’t lead anywhere so go as easily as you can. 
Without real familiarity we can not accurately judge the people you speak of and must grant the voiceless something; they may be truly horrible they may be not-so-bad, but it’s unlikely all of them wish you ill. So i can not entirely say “burn that bridge!” without some concern for you and them as one.
As a personal example, I stopped speaking to my maternal grandparents at age 18 for a similar reason, removing myself from an intolerable situation. In that case one person was the main offender and in the end I regret the manner in which I did things. By standing firm & rejecting the abuse of one, I unintentionally hurt the other.
In the end, we likely reflect on our regrets much more than our accomplishments & achievements, for it is natural & very human to want & crave more… if we were easily satisfied then our species would not likely have advanced to the present. 
So this is somehow short. 
It’s good that you have seeds & some temporary places to be. I feel terrible about your dog; you may need her companionship “out there”. The streets are not a solution so avoid them at all costs. Nobody puts “panhandling” on their list of career choices. 
It’s something people learn & imitate on the streets because the first thing people do is seek the security of others. Those others have been homeless longer. A lot of them use terrible drugs. Because they’re collectively miserable, unable to tolerate life, numbing, and wholly broken.
(Now the stoner 
train lost it’s thought…) 
Please be kind to yourself & it will follow through to others.
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I can day for certain my stepfather does wish me ill. He’s said so to my face many times over.
My mom helps me out from time to time as she better with actions not words. Except the last 6 years she’s been a flake and never keeps any promises. If I don’t schedule something with her a week in advance with constant reminders she will never keep her promise.
IDK who I learned integrity from then. It wasn’t my mom or stepfather and sure as shit not my father’s side of the family. I keep my promises even if it’s inconvenient for me. I don’t break them just because I have to go out of my way to keep it😅 I plan ahead and make sure I do what I have to even if it’s a procrastination thing I do last second. I still keep every promise I’m able to. I also apologize if I’m not able to keep the promise and I make it up to them. If it’s something I can outsource I will to keep the promise as well.
I’m a man of my word and if I make the decision to do something I follow through even if it makes me uncomfortable doing it.
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Also too many times I’ve been told I’m getting a new/used water heater to replace the one that broke on February 23, 2013 at 3:02AM. I remember the exact time and date as the string of numbers is amusing.
Instead of that they got a pool last year as well as landscaping around the house and renovations that weren’t needed this year. They had the chance to get one for free and my dad would install it for free too, but they had too much pride to accept that gift.
Instead I can’t even take a shower for the last 6 years almost without having to schedule a time to take one. No later than 8pm and no earlier than 8am. Makes it impossible to stay hygienic when I sweat a lot from a high metabolism and a poor diet. Let alone the fact I can’t wash my clothes more than once a week max or I get yelled at.
If that helps to paint a picture of why I’m leaving. I waited nearly 6 years to have that promise repeatedly broken for luxury purchases.
I don’t enjoy being dirty. I’m ashamed to leave the house almost always, but I do to escape the drama.
I’m just going to keep my mind on what matters and move my grow to a trusted friend who would let me use their space.
I wish I could bring Daisey with me when I leave, but she never was fully socialized and would be one of those dogs put down for biting someone she perceived as a threat to me when I’m not feeling 100% mentally and not keeping people away from her until she knows their smell.
I might stay till next Saturday, but after I go out for a job with my dad I’ll stash the cash away and if it’s enough I’ll get a cheap apartment somewhere. The YMCA apartments are 500 a month, so if I have no other choice but to go there I’ll take anywhere not where my family is.
I can’t tolerate the drama any longer, so once I leave the house I might be AWOL for a bit. I use my phone to browse the site and soon I’ll be wifi only before my phone battery can’t hold a charge anymore. If it gets cold it lasts 30 minutes on standby and dies from 100% to 0%.
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Sorry to hear you’re in a rough spot. Remember that family can also be anyone you choose. Any person or community that supports you and encourages you IS family, IMO. So I hope you can find better luck with the family you choose, than the family you didn’t.
If you ever need seeds, just let me know. This goes for you, as well as anyone on this site – regardless of your situation, hit me up any time. I have more seeds than I will ever germ, and I’d rather they end up in hands that need them, than sit on my shelf until me and my seeds turn into dust. As long as I have excess to give, they are freely available if you ask.
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Thank you!
Honest talking about my situation has been the most cathartic thing I’ve done in years. The only thing that ever came close was my first puff at my lowest point in life. 6 years ago she pushed me to suicide and I wanted my friend to have a fun last day with me. I hit h up and asked to smoke with him. He was so happy and never questioned why I had asked to smoke when I had previously been antidrug/antipot. That first puff was like magic. All my cares and worries just left and even after I sobered up I still felt better. I decided that if this magical plant can help me to stay alive I’ll keep it up for as long as I can. I just wish I could be happy without smoking, vaping, or consuming edibles to get high.
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Hey man im sure your gonna do w/e your going to do, but I did recently live without a waterheater for about a month. Times are tight right? I found me a 8$ solar shower 5gal. Used a oil heater and boom! 6 hours later a five min Luke warm shower. But I did finally get my hotwater heater. I kept a retail job at the same time. 40hr weeks. I take care if my dad who is a disabled vet. We don’t get along, but we do smoke buds together, so that helps.
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My mom doesn’t smoke. She used to and is now one of those won’t smoke because anxiety types. I’ve asked her what an anxiety attack feels like and she described being high AF racing heart, confusion, chaotic thoughts, and paranoid. Sounds exactly like getting way too high to me, but what do I know?
I understand what THC will do to my body and I don’t associate it’s side effects with a bad trip. Actually the same thing I’ve seen is what a bad trip is usually described as. IDK why people freak out when they don’t have any clue what’s going on when they intentionally got high. I understand I may get too high if my tolerance dropped for some reason unknowingly and I won’t swear off weed because it made me anxious. I’ll just add CBD to that smoke and solve it or just simply smoke less😅
It’s not brain surgery people. It’s a wonderful plant/drug. You may feel like you could die. You never will. Just eat some food and rest for a second and watch that feeling vanish. Every time I ever get that high i just eat. I don’t get less high. I just get a better control over my mind and not a slave to the high.
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It will be good for you to work and earn your own money. Even having a tiny apt on your own is good for you. The ONLY person in the end that we can truly rely on is ourselves. Being self sufficient is key to one’s self esteem too. Making positive changes in baby steps is the best way to go. I wouldn’t get all drastic and rash with anything because change is overwhelming as it is. Just go slow, but inch forward young grasshopper! Good luck!
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It’s something I have to do sooner than later. The only time I’m happy is when I’m not home. I get into depression spirals and regular panic attacks as I don’t know if my stepfather will decide to pop over and start a fight. He’s made it very clear to me that he wants me gone. in every way possible.
He straight up told me he’d call the cops on me if I so much as react with emotion at all when he’s bullying me.
I was a hour from home and I took 2 hours walking in the cold to avoid going home.
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The walk he helped to clear my head. That and Vodka. Rum and hard juice drinks are bad for me as I tend to be a sad sack on it. Vodkas I tend to just feel high almost the same as weed. Odd I know, but it’s not the worst. Just a shot of a smooth vodka and I’m good for a while. I don’t drink often anymore as my depression is something I try not to mess with. Today was my exception as I needed something to help my mood and I’m out of weed and oil until tomorrow at least.
I need to get a new mod. Judge me however you want, but I vape to keep calm and feed a need for constant deep lung expansion that’s too expensive with weed and with tobacco I kill my throat and risk an addiction. I’m currently at dependant and doing my best to keep it at that max. If I feel myself wanting more than 3 cigs a day I skip the next day and after that I’m back to 1-2 a day for a week or so until the next life crisis happens. If I’m going to stick with nicotine regardless to achieve a higher perceived dopamine level to keep my mood stable in a way even weed won’t touch I’d prefer to vape it vs smoke it. Also the taste and smell of cigs are disgusting. It’s also cheaper per mg of nicotine to vape it. I can easily reach nic sick with vaping that I can’t do with smoking without trying all day.
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Wow! You went through all your grow weed already! I have at least a dozen jars of mine left and I have given some away.
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Yeah😅 I’m a heavy user during stressful times. I smoked a HP in a month while trying to be conservative oops LoL. I go through 1g oil a day during bad weeks. Luckily my fiancee is amazing and also likes to dab. She picks up every 2 weeks or so and gives me some to help out.
Technically I have about 1g left, but it’s being saved for her b-day in 2 weeks. Saved her the last of Ingrid. Still the best smoke of them all. Strong sativa with an indica feel. I wouldn’t say it’s a hybrid feel. It’s closer to a blue dream like effect on steroids. A strong buzz followed by a narcotic Benadryl like high building from 1 hour in to 3 hours in where peak hits you like a brick.
I want to know what makes bud hit you like an edible. Ingrid is a smokeable edible high LoL
The high lasts anywhere from 5-8 hours. Depends on my tolerance and how stressed I am.
I’m definitely not going to be harvesting the auto any time soon unless it dies on Christmas. The 27th should be 8 weeks to the day. @ReikoX said I should expect 9-10 weeks from the auto they made.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but do autos only last a maximum time from sprout? I keep hearing about the internal timer they follow, but I don’t believe from what I’ve heard they last much longer past that point.
Yep. My strain went about 80 something days. They completely do their thing without cues from the sun. I thought they were so much easier to grow than my regs, of course though I grow outside and 5 to 6 month regs have a lot of time for shit to happen to them. lol
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Hopefully those seeds sprout soon. I’ll dig them out if it takes too long to see what happened to the seeds.
I have 1 f1 from an auto mom and photo dad. Thanks a million times again @ModicumGenes for the Zkittlez cross. I’m really excited to grow it out. If I see issues in germination I’ll use water before I put the sprout in the soil. The fabric pots might dry too fast. The soil is almost completely dry and is pulling away from the walls. I add water to the middle daily to keep the seeds wet if I see no dark patch left on top. Upside is any pest eggs should die or hatch soon if there’s any left. The garlic is doing really good at keeping any stray gnats that make their way in for any reason. No flies in the trap yet, but I did see the box elder bug show up. That tells me I got the veg conditions in the right range and now I have to keep an eye on the surface for pests. I’ll add a mulch layer of mosquito bits in the worst case scenario. Luckily I learned how to kill off the bastards last grow. Of course they reinfected the soil after it was left outside to freeze. They had a few warm rainy days before it froze the soil.
Let’s hope I can beat them well before they become a total pest and not a nuisance like they currently are. Again I can’t thank the garlic enough cilantro helps with aphids and other pests. Speaking of the box elder bug was all over the cilantro
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True dat! More and more the older one gets.
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Yeah that pretty much hit the nail on the head.
I’m not allowed to ignore them though, so I’m sorta screwed until I’m in a new place. I’ll stay here another week unless something changes. For now I’m stuck with no hot water for almost 6 years now and no reasonable time to take one next door, a gas heater that barely works and when it does it overheats the place, and no food until I can get some cash to grab some more. I ate my last bit of food just now. I try to eat daily, but it’s usually a couple times a week now.
I’ve been so upset over having 0 control over what I can do that I usually lose my appetite within the first bite or so and I have to force for down just to eat while my throat is trying to work it back up. Seltzer helps a little and less solid foods go down best.
After harvest let’s hope I’m feeling better.
Worst case scenario I find a way to grow my spores I have sitting in the fridge also. My buddy said it was good to store them there, but I have a feeling I may have killed the spores. IDK really that much about mushies, so I’ll have to see if they’re still viable the old fashioned way if it’s a toss up. Rye berries are cheap and I have a instapot pressure cooker I can pasteurize with. Though worst case I grab a cheap kit and use my spores instead of the cheap crap in whatever kit I grab. I don’t trust kits TBH. No mention of spore sourcing usually and if I grab some I want to know what I’m in for.
When the day comes I’m allowed to just be myself and not forced to behave in a specific manner or I get in trouble. Unfortunately I have a fairly passive personality in person and people take advantage of that. Sad results of being coddled my whole life from a helicopter parent and a snowplow parent. My little sister will have it worse than I do when she grows up. She already has such severe anxiety she can’t hear loud noises without shutting down for the day. I don’t see her future being that good if this pattern continues to get worse.
I need to get a healthy way to work out my issues as bottling it up to keep myself from getting arrested until I have a panic attack isn’t healthy at all.
I wish locking my doors did anything. They just barge in when they please and start shit when they’ve had a hard day and need someone to feel bad, so they can feel better. I avoid going next door as much as possible. Making it pretty hard to keep an eye out for him. I’ve just been leaving the house for as long as I can if I see his truck now. I don’t feel safe at home if he is. It just takes one bad day for him to decide I’m not a resident and instead an intruder he can abuse and call the cops on when he feels like it. I only stay here as I have nowhere else to go. I’d move out of state, but my fiancee won’t be able to come with me unless we can start a new store location for the store she manages somehow. Otherwise I’m stuck local, but far away from my family. Maybe in the future I’ll give them another chance once I’m no longer under their thumb having no choice in how I can emote.
I keep cycling the same thing over and over, so if I were to wager a guess my issues mostly stem from having little free will of my actions as long as I live here. If I try to do something they won’t allow me try bully me into submission with thrreats of violence and/or death. Currently it’s been awhile since he’s last showed up while I’m home. I’ve made it clear to him if he hits me I will defend myself. IDC if he’s my little sister’s father. I will defend myself with lethal force if I feel like he’s trying to kill me or hurt me that severe enough that fight or flight starts up. I won’t apologise for my stance here. Once I made that clear he’s been bot talking to me at least in the few moments I see him when I go to take a shower.
It’s caused a lot of drama, but it’s for the best. His aggressive behavior towards me is only when he has a bad day/week now.
I really can’t wait to leave this place behind and not deal with their drama anymore. I feel so bad for my little sister. Without me here she’s probably going to get all that aggression in my place. Her anxiety already tells me she already gets some of it.
I can see I need a little more Vodka. The masking of my depression is wearing off now. I just have to make it without weed another night and I can have someone over and feel safer. Good thing I have a intimidating sword if he has a bad look in his eyes after storming in. Overall I know it’s premeditated and not legally self defense. It sucks, but I have to put up with it. I just have to make sure he believes I’ll kill him if he tries to hurt me. Luckily he raised my psychotic ass and knows my bad side and that he can’t restrain me if I get mad.
I’ve had to lengthen my fuse to be able to keep myself from jail and most importantly to keep my family safe from myself. My HS helped me out as a teen, but not enough to keep calm during threats of violence. I’m still working on that one. I’m not really worried about getting hurt once I snap. Tunnel vision with a sole purpose of beating the shit out of the one who pushed me that far.
I don’t enjoy having my emotions so unstable. Any time I get 1 step of progress with my anger management I get pushed 2 steps back from regression.
I’m 28 and I’ve been stuck in my 16yo mentality since I was 14. I used to be mature for my age and now I can’t calm down long enough to mature. I shut down and go to sleep as long as I feel bad if possible. One time I slept for 10 days only waking up to eat a snack and go back to bed.
When I finally leave this place I hope my little sister will be okay.
The both of them practice schadenfreude heavily.
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Holy text wall😅 long story short it’s a toxic living environment filled with constant abuse and fear. If I don’t snap or get mad I’m usually in flight mode. Once I’m made angry though I get in fight mode and end the convo fast. I avoid being home now as much as possible. I’m home for a hour or 2 per day now if I’m not sleeping in my bed that night.
Fight or flight mode makes me mentally regress and lose months of progress I’ve worked tirelessly for to improve my mental health. 1 step forward 2 steps back. Sometimes up to 10 steps back.