Sibling Rivalry

Smoker's Lounge
#1

So. The relationships between my siblings is pretty bad. I have a sister with whom I have a pretty good relationship and a twin brother and sister with whom I have no relationship. The twins and my other sister don’t speak.

It’s complicated. Nothing “bad” happened, we just don’t talk and there’s an obvious hostility I don’t quite get.

Anyway, who has siblings? How do you get feel when Christmas comes along do you go “woohoo I get to see these people,” or “fuck I have to see that’s people?

No right answers on this one I think :+1:

I was a good example of a tormenting evil older brother if that counts for anything.

All the best

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#2

Some folks we relate to and some we do not. I think family has little to do with it.
POV from an only kid family.

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#3

@webeblzr hit the nail on the head. I don’t not get along with my younger brother, but we just don’t have anything in common, so drifted apart. Always have a good time at family gatherings, but that’s the only time we communicate 🤷🏻 is what it is I suppose.

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#4

I’d agree but there’s this pull to siblings. I’m a fixer and have tried many things, things I didn’t even want to try because I’m “the bigger person.” But I’m tired of that. And if being painted as a bad guy for no reason.

Distance and boundaries can be good. Almost all of my best friends live out of town so I hear you.

Mostly I feel bad for my parents. I’m just annoyed. They suffer because of it.

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#5

Families can definitely be a pain in the ass. We’re all adults at this point, married with families of our own, so it’s not like I’m 25 and my brother is 17 and it’s really affecting anyone, but I know my mom wishes the two of us were closer (my bro and I, not me and her). Sounds like your situation might have more of a negative connotation if you’re getting seen as the bad guy for it being that way though. And that’s no good, even if you’re a dick (not saying you are). People having negative feelings never helped anyone solve anything

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#6

All adults yes. That makes it even weirder. It’s ok to be mad at your parents when you’re 25 but at 40? I find that weird.

I’m not the bad guy but I get a lot of shade. Probably a lot of it is life choices. It’s not just me who has been cut out. If it was just me it would still be foolish but at least make sense.

And I am kind of a dick :joy:

Anyway, not looking for answers more just to vent and see what y’all and your siblings are like.

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#7

No no no, that’s not what I meant at all. No one is mad at my parents and we talk and hang out all the time. Just me and my brother drifted apart. We grew up and I got married and started a career and he was busy fucking up (there’s enough of an age gap that it was acceptable) then he got married and we just both live completely different lives. Nothing dysfunctional, just don’t really talk or hang out.

And about being a dick… I’ve been told I’m “abrasive” so yeah, I get it :smirk:

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#8

I see. Yeah, families are all different. It’s hard to explain but there is an obvious rift with obvious “sides” and I just don’t get it. I mean, I steal your wife, you’re mad, I get it. But there is no such event and the whole side is blacklisted.

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#9

I have two younger brothers, and we’re basically like movie/tv brothers. We did everything together (and yeah, we beat the shit out of each other sometimes), and when we had all been our of our parents house for a couple years, the three of us got an apartment together and were housemates again for 2 more years.
Best friends.

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#10

Isn’t that the worst? Things being weird, but not knowing why. Something could have been misconstrued at some point, and then they sit there bitter about it for years, and you have no idea why because in your mind, that’s not what happened at all… Or, maybe they just don’t like you. The tough part is that there is just really no telling. People are weird. And unpredictable. I know you said you weren’t looking for advice, but I’ll give some anyways. If you care and want to mend it, just keep trying! If all it’s doing is irritating you, let it go and live your best life. You’ll be happier for it regardless of which direction you take.

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#11

That’s how we were as well. Played video games together, hung out, I got him high for the first time. All around good times. I think it was just the age gap. I was getting married and starting a family while he was graduating high school. Then things changed. No one’s fault.

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#12

Sit there bitter, stewing, for years, is exactly what’s going on.

Maybe they just don’t like me. That’s fine. But again it’s not just me. So all of us have done something to insult them individually and personally…it makes no sense.

That’s been my go to move. And I’m prepared to cut strings. But, it’s still my brother, even if he is a douche.

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#13

Foreigner. My own family is very much alike. It’s actually quite common. I could try to explain but I’m no psychotherapist and I’d only end up alienating you I’m afraid. But the book I’m reading does a great job not only at pointing to possible causes but also at effects you may not have a clear view on.

Dysfunctional families abound.

Every year Christmas grows worse for me. Nowadays I end up in a haze for 2 weeks around Christmas. My brother imitates my mother who is a controlfreak, not just around christmas, and that makes me not talk to him much, but it has taken me ages to figure that out.

He seems to avoid me too, and I doubt he has a good handle on his own psyche and why he does things cause it’s like my mom still controls him and he likes to control other, so he loses control of himself, because he was never allowed to exercise that control over himself as a kid or something, on some level.

I like Pete Walker’s self help books on complex ptsd for just this reason, it gave me the insight into my own dysfunctional family. I off course can’t say if your family is in any way alike, but I do know that loving functional families usually don’t generate these kinds of relationships. But loving functional families are scarce or close to non-existent these days.

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#14

And that makes the situation that much more weird… Guilt but association 🤷🏻

It’s insane the kind of grudges people can hold over, what’s in your mind nothing, while in their mind was a complete slight.

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#15

Cool Man thanks for the input. What’s this book you’re reading? I’d be curious to have a look.

Oh is it the Walker one, or a sibling specific one?

#16

Complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving, by Pete Walker

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#17

I mean maybe I did something they didn’t like when I was 16. But I can’t think of anything terrible. But that’s 25 years ago so move on you know?

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#18

I live at least 800miles away from anyone I’m related to, for a reason :wink:

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#19

Yes that’s a fair strategy. I know quite a few people who deliberately made choices that allowed them to move away.

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#20

Well I’m my opinion, that’s plenty of time for them to have gotten over it (if that is even the case)… At 16, I was busy fucking up royally, so my parents would have every reason to still be pissed at me :joy:, but they aren’t and we have a great relationship. People grow up, change (hopefully for the better) and should learn to move on. Sounds like this isn’t really a recent thing, so is going to be a tough nut to crack if that’s the route you decide to take.

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