i was useing toilet paper to make coffee,when i ran out of filters… once or twice
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“This coffee tastes kind of fibrous.”
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it was better than no coffee 
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Yes I’ll go along with that.
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I hope you made sure to wet the paper first, otherwise you’d get a papery taste. I have never made coffee with toilet paper. I suppose I must have a lot more respect for coffee than my arse.
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My wife doesn’t even give me shit for a full garbage, but still, good move.
I got married because I got sick of finishing my own sentences.
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Yes that’s a valid reas….
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REAL key to a happy marriage:
Let your wife go out with her girlfriends. DO NOT ask to tag along. Stay sober enough to be able to pick her up 
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Yes agreed. Go out and have fun. 100%
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Charlie Murphies last words
“You must forgive the past to rest as deeply as possible.”
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Wise. The past is over there is only the future.
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“Tend to the garden you can touch.” - ???
I heard Duncan Trussel sat it, but he was quoting someone
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To plant a garden is to believe in the future.
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Dont shower with powertools and dont cook bacon naked
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Success is not final, failure is not fatal: It is the courage to continue that counts
Your time is limited, don’t waste it living someone else’s life
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Judge each day not by the harvests that you reap, but by the seeds that you plant. Got that one from a fortune cookie 
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You guys are getting too wise for me.
I meant like, put the toothpaste back where she is accustomed to it.
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And you say, “He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword.” O indeed so! Likewise he who lives by the pen, or by the fax machine, or by the word processor - all shall die by the sword! Only he who lives by the tank shall remain immune.
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Oh, I thought you meant like… marriage is the number 1 cause of divorce? 
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