When I arrived in Alaska, a family friend picked me up at the Anchorage airport in a busted up 250,000 mile truck that never let him down. I threw my duffel in the back in between the crab traps and the side of the truck, getting in… I thought, here I go. Tony is married but they don’t want to have any kids because of where they live and how harsh life really is, after meeting his wife we stepped out on the back porch and he pulled a small oval tin from his pocket, He looked me in the eyes As he opened it and said this my friend is Alaskan Matanuska thunder fuck. As soon as the rim of the can came apart and exposed the spicy dankness that was inside, he passed it to me and was in a state of awe looking at purple and orange hair, purple leaves and all of covered in sparkling trichromes.
The aroma made the inside of my nose tingle, I packed the elk horn bowel sitting on the railing with just a pinch at his request. Becky came out with some beers and asked Tony if he was going to let me feel the thunder fuck standing up. We sat around the table as they had a conversation about a place called the monkey wharf, looking at the incredible sky line my senses were in overload, Becky went back inside glancing a look at me with a broad smile and said, “lean back in the chair when it hits, if you lean forward, you’ll white out and fall out of the chair”. Tony laughed in his Italian way and ask for the pipe, placing another pinch on top he pushed it in and lite it up, after a deep hold, slowly releasing a cloud of smoke, he handed back and I took a long hard hit with no additional fire. As I leaned back with my eye’s open the color of the sky changed in intensity, the clouds, the mountains, everything developed silver glowing outline and I closed my eye’s for the release. Static electric rings racing toward me in multiple colors, as I faded out, the jet lag, lack of sleep all combined and I slept for about two hours.
When I woke up, they were in the kitchen working on something and it hadn’t gotten a lot darker outside for being 7 PM in the evening Tony saw me through the window and came out and said hey sleepyhead, chow is almost ready, after that we’re going to head down to the monkey wharf. He told me that it was a bar that all the locals loved and that it would help me to get out and meet the people and we would hang out with his friends. When we went inside and I looked at the table It was rather shocking to see a loaf of bread, grilled hot dogs, a jar of peanut butter and a big bag of Lays potato chips. Tony looked at me very sternly and he said what’s the matter you never had peanut butter on hotdogs before? It’s was awesome! I couldn’t believe it, the flavor combo was beyond compare for being so simple.
On a walk about around the property, he lite up a number and the smoke blew around me in a thick haze while looking at his best view of the mountains. As we sat in the giant hand carved hard wood chair with totem poll figures of life and death lining the outsides. I took and released several times over a period of 3 or 4 minutes. Then something happened that I suppose I’ll never fully understand, sparkles in my brain… I wasn’t seeing flashes of light, the sparkles were in my mind. I looked over and Tony was grinning ear to ear, are you feeling it he happily asked? Hell yeah, I feel heavy and light at the same time, butt… i got like mini explosions all over my brain and all my skin is tingling. He pushed his head back on his shoulders and handed the resin dripping black and brown roach that he jammed into one side of a thick flat round stone with a smiley face on it. Standing while handing it to me, he chuckled under his thick grizzled beard and said “sounds like you need to finish this before we head out”.
We both looked back at Becky standing on the porch of the double wide trailer, she was wearing a yellow sundress with a pair of muck boots and her long black Italian hair frolicking in the breeze. I waved goodbye and jumped in the shotgun seat, Tony held a last minute conversation like lovers do before a period of time passes that they might not know that the other is ok. Sliding the key into the ignition he turned it start and pushed the clutch, we slowly rolled down the wash board drive way as he put it in gear and popped the clutch, the motor sprang to life. The tree’s were blading the evening light rolling by the window with Waylon whaling away about county life being the best, I could see Anchorage in the distance coming over the ridge. Excitement was building inside, the very air itself was different, so many sights and smells.
He said were gonna pick up Bill on the way, we turned off the main road and drove into an area where all the houses were round. They were mostly dry cabins for renters who work in town but can’t afford to live there, Tony and Bill exchanged mountain man greetings with a growling hand shake. Bill exclaimed “Is this the young buck from the flatlands that I’m gonna work with?”, they both laughed as I got out and climbed in the back of the truck for the rest of the ride. I asked Tony if we could stop somewhere and get some grub and Bill reached in his backpack and pulled out a baggie of venison jerky that I finished off riding thru town to get to the docks.
As we walked up to the front of the monkey wharf bar, lights with several colors shined out of the windows over the top of the long fishing dock rain roof above the doors. The lower windows were blacked out, some patrons were gathered around one end outside with a column of sweet Cheba smoke rolling into the sky. I was looking it that direction, thinking about joining… tony put his massive hand on my shoulder to turn me toward the door as he opened it. Thundering music, yelling, drunken laughter of men and woman blasted me in the face, stepping across the threshold the very first thing that made me draw back was a monkey in a cage master bating as it started to howl, while looking directly at me. I looked away only to find there were several cages with monkey’s.
Tony and Bill were leading me thru the crowded room to another smaller room where people were definitely smoking the same stuff Tony lite up earlier. We sat down at a old wooden round top with wire spool chairs, they rolled up three J’s as I was looking around the room. A tall women with one leg and a crunch was looking in from the doorway surveying the room, she made a meh face and moved back into the main room. I could hear the monkeys screaming, glass breaking, men and women going at each other with cut downs for turn on’s. Tony tapped me on the should, handing me a scooby doobie, I asked him about the women with one leg.
After lighting up the spicy fruit wonderland, he told me that Sally had come to Alaska years ago to work on a trawler, there was an accident and her leg was crushed so they had to amputate. I couldn’t tell which was blowing my mind more, her story or the cloud of smoke around me. Then it took a darker turn, she couldn’t get a job and started selling her affections, becoming the one leg hooker. Tony stood up and said “wanna talk to her?”, while snuffing his joint. Bill stayed to talk to another guy, we made our way thru the crowd to a wall of people cheering as a half naked waitress went sliding by with everyone pouring beer on her and the floor. Another one and another as everyone cheered, a naked man tried to run after them and fell on his face, splitting his forehead. Bartenders wrapped his head in a towel and duct tape, the monkey’s all went crazy in unison as the smell of blood filled the air.
I walked up to the bar after losing track of Tony and asked for a beer, the bar maid turned around, grabbed a rope and started pulling. A metal basket with crude stick welding burns all around came up from below, water was still falling off. I thought it was really cool the way they keep the beer cold using Mother Nature. Turning to look around, standing close behind me, was a tall, blonde, green eyed, woman in her mid thirties who definitely knew how to apply make-up. Hey there, as I tipped my beer to her, she said “Hello Stranger, just get into town?”, she started giggling and reached out to take my hand while turning on a crutch to lead me into walking with her.
Note: Sally is Tony’s sister and the best fisherman aka hooker in Alaska, it was a prank played on me and I still laugh about.
umm, who’s got a smoking cock around here? you win some seeds from me! is that you @roosterhash with your hands raised? lololol
, you have a great night 
Have a great day wherever you are.
