When it’s grey and dark and wet I feel like I haven’t had a day at all. The whole thing just blows past me like it isn’t even there.
Also note it’s 3am and I’m wide awake which is a good indicator at how fucked up my rhythms are.
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Shit, sorry man. I hate to think anyone is suffering like I do. I have the crippling anxiety and can’t hardly step outside the house as well. I really don’t want to talk or see anyone irl. Add to it some physical health issues and it’s non stop fun. Sounds like you’re able to have a relationship. That is something to be thankful for. Wish I had some answers, but I haven’t figured it out yet either. Love & Light. 
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On days like this I tend to my indoor plants more often that needed. The lamps help the brain.
I also have 2x SAD lamps; 1x on my desk at home and the other 1x at my desk at work.
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How does one stop being depressed when there’s the inability to change the circumstances that are making you depressed?
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Yeah I hear you.
I often say in the middle of winter it’s nice to be able to access the jungle.
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I can only suggest meditation. This doesn’t have to be “sit still and think” but also during actions. I find when I’m watering my plants I am now meditating as it’s an autopilot task. I do the same thing when cooking familiar meals.
Get your mind elsewhere when you can.
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Not yet but the day is young.
Pain causes me to get down. I have a neurological condition that causes the light touch and temperature nerve impulses go up the pain pathway to the brain. Covid was not too bad for me, I have been leading a sheltered life for the past ten years. Well, maybe not too bad is an overstatement, not much change. The part that really bothers me is the waste of time in my life I end up spending waiting for the pain to go away. It messes with my emotions. CBD helps but I have been putting off using it on a spot basis until I know I can grow enough to get me to the next harvest.
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And what do you do when you lose peace in those actions? That’s where I’m stuck lately. Taking the separation spares me some measure of misery but I find no joy in those little things anymore. Games I loved are boring, plants have little excitement, my pets don’t give quite the same warmth. I practiced music daily, now maybe weekly. I’m constantly achey and lethargic and my physical fitness has suffered.
My depression got depressed, what the fuck do you do with that?
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“I used to love the rainbow
And I used to love the view
Another early morning, I’d pretend that it was you
But I caught the darkness baby
And I got it worse than you”
“I speak of a clinical depression that is the background of your entire life, a background of anguish and anxiety, a sense that nothing goes well, that pleasure is unavailable and all your strategies collapse.”
-Leonard Cohen
I have been enjoying Leonard Cohen’s work lately, while I have been trying to get myself out of a 10-year long rut… its just a phase right. Leonard has a deep way of expressing his struggles with depression, but somehow I often get a sense of hope from him as well which I appreciate. His poetry and music are worth a look for us broken souls.
Watching my father deteriorate in front of my eyes has been one of the hardest things of my life so far. Cancer is a bitch… and I can see his mental faculties going as well. I don’t regret moving back home to help out, but I always have this nagging sense that I am a failure as I watch my friends settle down with kids and houses of their own. I don’t know… Ill get there eventually but the darkness seems deep at times.
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There was a time that cold tea was my good friend. I’d wake up in the middle of the night and my half drunk mint tea sitting on the table was a source of immense comfort.
I’m no expert, but little things.
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This is a noble and worthy thing to do. I like to think I would do it. Or at least live down the street to make daily visits.
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I’m afraid I spent my time chasing my tail and indulging myself in that regard. Good medicine, good food, it is nice in the moment, but I found that was the extent.
I think it much less the small things and much more the big things, but since I can not control those, that’s where it gets complicated. I just go through the motions of what normally works, sort of like firing the engine with a missing cylinder. I stumble, but it still kinda feels right. Just hoping eventually it’ll bite and we’ll be back to normal again.
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One day I will have an isolated cabin in the woods with a wood stove and high speed Internet. But not for awhile.
Some things just aren’t in the cards, and that’s ok.
There are lots of things I can’t do. But I can grow awesome weed and ensure my household never has to pay for it again, which makes me feel good.
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In a real hard spot. In some ways, not in others, it’s almost funny. Too little too late I guess. Shit has weird ways of working itself out, and I can see light. But it’s a maybe. I’m putting all my hope and everything into a maybe… what’s going to happen when that maybe? Falls through?
I can barely keep myself alive; barely keep some plants alive. I don’t know what to do some days.
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I’m kind of in one of those funks right now. In these moments I just keep moving, doing the things that need to be done becasue they can’t do them for themselves.
Plant care, pet care, simple food making, going to the bathroom… etc. The smallest thing can help if it aids me in this momentum.
Also lot’s of random tv/movies/music. Doesn’t need to be watched; just in the background like a blanket.
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Thats known to cause depression for sure. Probably why I wanna get away to the caribbean, its always sunny, and sunny = happy me…
I’ve been a bit of a hermit myself… not enjoying it, as its NOT me…
Little steps man. You change little things which eventually (hopefully) lead to changing the bigger circumstances. Feelings of being overwhelmed are not easy to get past. But How do you eat an elephant? One mouthful at a time… I always tell myself that…
the last several winters I was on some kind of island for an extended period. not this year. and that thought alone is depressing 
I second this! A friend suggested it to me, and it absolutely helps me to re-center myself and re-prioritize things in my life. Kinda like a moment to clear out the clutter of your mind…
You have to make a conscious effort. If you know you practiced music daily, and its now weekly, make it a point to pick up that guitar / sit at the keys daily… Sometimes ya just dont wanna, but those are the times you REALLY gotta… One thing that helps me, the right mix of music. The wrong mix can send me down a wormhole, but the right mix just lifts my mood, no matter the situation… So I put on tunes, then start on something I am “forcing” myself to do. Next thing ya know I’m dancing around the plants…
Cancer sucks. Period. Lost a sister to cancer 20 yrs ago. Such a young beautiful soul with so much to offer this world. But I commend you on moving back to lend a hand. Trust me, you will find peace after your father passes by knowing you were there. I made peace with both of my parents before their passing, and it does help. But knowing you are there to help out? Can’t compare that to others situations with kids and houses. Each of our stories are different, wth different timelines. I dont have kids. I’m 48. Still think I may, if I am with the right woman. Does that play in my mind? Yes, but only cause I think of what I am missing out on my interactions with them, comparing to the friends and neighbors is just the “grass is greener” thing, and its greener where you water it…
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The thing is, and I don’t mean to be pessimistic here, I’m devoutly open minded, but even music has lost its luster. Old songs, new songs, live music. It’s nice, but it’s… missing something. That was the kind of scary thing. It’s not a lack of practice because I don’t want to work or anything. I don’t feel anything. I knock out a few notes. They sound ok or they don’t, it doesn’t matter it always ends up feeling the same aimlessness.
I miss the music more than anything. And I might have just teared up a bit realizing that.
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You play guitar? Find another, or a bassist, and make a weekly jam night. Find something that ignites that fire, YOU gotta look for it though, it won’t just be presented to you… Sometimes seeing others “get on that jam” puts a smile on your own face as well… Sometimes it just takes the presence / excitement of another, to jump start yourself once again.
Music, especially well written lyrics, hit me hard at times. And yes they can bring me down, but what brings me back up is knowing that music STILL has that power. I read into lyrics ALOT, like a fortune teller and her tarot cards. I’ll admit, I tear up over sad songs, and over happy songs (memory of a time or place). Phish always lifts my spirits…
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Yes, that is one of the most devious tricks depression plays, my rational mind knows that I shouldn’t feel bad about what I am doing and my situation… but in the spaces between tasks when my mind is occupied, the darkness or negativity leaks out and envelops everything.
“The greatest trick the Devil ever played was convincing the world he doesn’t exist”
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