I lost my mom this past April, yesterday I found out that while I’ve been dealing with/lost in grief, my “partner” has been hiding a rather large debt he has incurred playing an online game.
This is a debt, that I loaned him money two years ago to completely pay off, I’ve yet to have been paid back and the funds I used came out of inheritance monies.
I knew there was something, I thought it was another woman…this is just as bad a breech of trust.
He’s had to return to work, after pulling his retirement pension…he is significantly older than I, I am disabled. Now I’m an orphan.
I know what I want to do, I don’t know what I’m going to do.
All I want to do is cry!
12 Likes
I’ve been a bit down the last couple of days. Found out my good friend and neighbor passed Monday morning.
About five months ago he ended up in the hospital due to an infection. Turns out his esophagus had disconnected. The went through four or five surgeries and ended up replacing it with one from a cadaver.
He came home from the hospital on Thanksgiving. A few of us from the neighborhood went over to visit with him. He was drinking a beer and wanted some pot. I gave him some edibles and a couple joints. He kept saying the doctor said he could drink and smoke pit. I’m wondering if they sent him home to die. 
He was a good friend. I spent a lot of time working on Jeeps and such with him. I am grateful for each moment I got to spend with him. I feel bad for his parents, daughter, and girlfriend that he left behind.
A group of us all got together Monday night and had a few drinks in his honor. I called my friends and loved ones and told them I loved them.
22 Likes
Hope everybody above has a better day. 
9 Likes
I’m sorry for your loss, as corny as it sounds.
It’s nice you were able to somewhat gather and share your memories of him. 
7 Likes
That is tuff to loose a friend.
7 Likes
Ok, here is my story!
I first attempted suicide at age 5. I was home with my mom and some men came over and I heard screaming from my mom and thought they were hurting her so I opened the door.
I saw my mom having sex with two guys and a dog. That night I snuck into the kitchen and climbed up on the counter and got the aspirin and swallowed the whole bottle.
Somehow my mom woke up and they saw the empty bottle and my mom asked me if I did that because of what I saw but I lied and shook my head no so as not to hurt her feelings. I then had to get my stomach pumped.
I knew at that time what I saw wasn’t right and funny I thought I could leave and come back in a different family at age 5. But ah genetics.
My early childhood was a drugged blur of child sexual abuse ( my dad a pharmacist). Both my parents had sex with me and many club type people. My dad sold me to the next door neighbor and then saw him later pay an intern at the hospital not to report my bleeding from my rectum. I was age 7 then.
When I was in 4th grade I told them this would stop or I would tell everyone including the police. Next thing I had to tell the cub scout leader/lady I had sex with my mom. She called my mom and I was no longer welcome at meetings.
Aside from a few drugged incidents that was about it accept my dad almost threw me off a waterfall but divine intervention stopped him.
I actually forgive my parents and have told them so. Who do I blame and how far back do you go? They did to me because of what happened to them. And so on further back to great-grandparents etc.
Of course that doesn’t justify their actions but they also have to live with themselves and what they have done. And I have to live with myself and filled with hate and holding grudges only hurts me!
I never attempted suicide after age 5 but have thought of it weekly my whole life. But I (just like you) have a purpose and are here for a reason).
I was fortunate as I had a great deal of other-worldly help as a child. Many meta-physical and supernatural experiences. First stood in same room with my sleeping body at age 7.
I’ve actually been under maximum oppression my whole life (not just sexual abuse)!
I know the greatest thing one can do in life is to help others. Suicide is selfish. I need to take my eyes off myself and put them where I can help others (even if just my wife).
Also, just taking your eyes off yourself and focusing on anything else is helpful. We control our mind and thoughts, With some simple meditation you can learn to slow down those racing thouhts and find contentment in no thoughts.
Very few know this about me so hope it can help somone.
7 Likes
That’s a wild story,I don’t even know what to say,glad your alive and can talk about it
2 Likes
I started to get really low again, and stopped doing pretty much everything, including using this site, mostly. I recently decided to go back to a psychiatrist and started on anti-depressants again. They seem to be helping a bit, so I am hopeful. We will see how it goes. I hoping to find the motivation to schedule an appt with a counselor, too.
4 Likes
I mean no offense, but your parents should be castrated and then shot to death
3 Likes
30 years ago shooting them actually crossed my mind. But when you play that one through where will that get me?
Prison?
Suicide?
Gotta think this stuff through man.
When I confronted my mom after some time she told a story about her dad and another man giving her alcohol and taking her into the barn.
My mom is still my mom.
Some of us are made of different stuff.
I watched both my brothers on the floor with my dad fighting (they both doctors now).
My brothets were never in trouble…goody two shoes.
I got beat weekly ( brothers never did) and whipped with hinge side of belt and back of hand and kicked and still just the thought of striking my dad makes me sick. I couldn’t do it.
And I grew up fighting all the time. Beat up many bullies. Mom would get mad at blood and torn clothes. So not opposed to fighting but could never harm my parents. Don’t have it in me.
Forgiveness and love much better path for all involved!
3 Likes
Agree to disagree, not saying they need to die by your hand, just animals like that need to be put down. Period. And I don’t believe a mom is still a mom after that. Blood doesn’t mean shit. Family is people who care for you. I stand by my statement.
5 Likes
Also using what someone else did to you as a reason to do other shitty things is not an excuse at all. We all make our own choices regardless what has been done to us. We all know right and wrong.
5 Likes
yall can beat this battle i know that, life is a struggle but its a pretty little hell
1 Like
Easy for you to say with your limited experience.
No human is an animal.
I feel sorry for you just like I feel sorry for my sick rapist parents.
I believe in capital punishment and as a gun owner I have no problem popin some caps in someone when self defence is involved.
All your hate and angst is hurting you. Not me!
I confronted my grandfather over what he did to my father and got blacklisted from whole family for most part.
How many 4th graders do you know that ended their own abuse?
I don’t understand how anyone could be so vile and sick as my parents and I don’t have to understand to forgive them.
I forgive them for me so I don’t to walk around filled with hate like you. You wanna go through life judging and hating people that is your choice.
People change and to some extent my parents have changed and I can see that what they have done in the past has prevented them from having any contentment or peace of mind.
I put my own abuse to an end when I was in 4th grade upon threat of going to the police and almost got thrown off a falls for it.
I knew when I was 5 my parents had a serious problem! My abuse with them ended when I was around 10-11. I am 64 now.
So I’ve had some time to think about it.
I appreciate how you feel and believe you would be the norm.
What you fail to understand is that healing only begins with forgiveness! And the forgiveness is for me.
If I don’t forgive others than how can I be forgiven?
If I only love those that love me then what is my reward? It is easy to love those like me.
Love your enemies the most for they are the furthest from your heart!
Gotta bunch of work to do so later days ( week or two).
Peace and love to you.
I still love you!
7 Likes
Well said, and probably one of the biggest misunderstandings of forgiveness. Its more for you, than for them, and nobody understands that…
My heart goes out to you man. I can’t even imagine what you went thru as a child, but your mindset helped bring you out of it a better person. I thank you for sharing that, because it took a LOT of courage to do…
7 Likes
These are amazing words of wisdom, kindness and forgiveness. I can’t even imagine what you went through and I’m soooooo impressed you’re still here and setting such a strong example.
2 Likes
For anyone who may have seen my last post in the thread that was my supposed partner she got my phone while I was asleep and sent all kinds of things to people and made that previous post. All because of my post about why I’m depressed and hadn’t been on very regular for almost all year. She locked me out of my phone and email accts today too. I just got back in my phone and am trying to figure out everything she’s done while she had it.
5 Likes
A partner like that would make anyone depressed. Stability is more precious than diamonds imo.
btw i’m glad you didn’t make that hate speech, whoever did has serious issues 
6 Likes
I’m sorry for your painful history. I remember a particular low point in my life, when I couldn’t see a reason for continuing. Someone I knew at the time recommended I read a book by Victor Frankl called Man’s Search for Meaning. He was a concentration camp survivor whose whole family was killed in the ovens. He wondered how he could continue. His conclusion, after years of self analysis, is that the meaning of life is found in every moment of living; life never ceases to have meaning, even in suffering and death. Don’t get me wrong, his was a long, torturous journey. But, he notes, that as time passed the experience in the concentration camp finally became nothing but a remembered nightmare. Be hopeful, love is what gives life meaning.
4 Likes
If she somewhat knows what she’s doing, she can have access to everything. Ditch that chick, secure all accounts (new passwords, check notifications and where those are being sent, etc) and get your phones fingerprint and/or facial recognition lockscreen going.
You can go to “recently used apps” and see which ones she’s been using since she’s had the phone.
6 Likes