I’ve been doing pretty good. I’ve been happy
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Always good to hear
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You got to carry on.
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I’ve wanted to kill myself for a long time. Every day, before noon, I will have thought life isn’t for me. I got kids though. And when I was a kid, I thought, I got parents though. People I can’t hurt that much by robbing them of something they love.
But for me. Life was over when I was 4. I have been depressed ever since my mom told my I wasn’t really planned, but an accident. I did not process that well. It led to me viewing myself as someone who there wasn’t time place or money for, and that I would only make costs in life, not money. And sadly, that’s turning out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So I sit here every day, at home, not working because of a depression I just can’t ever seem to get away from no matter how hard I try, no matter what therapies or shamanistic approach or meditation or life enrichments or even drugs I do, I always end up wanting it all to just end.
And yet.
When I was so damn angry last year that I took 6 methadone tablets instead of my usual 3, I was really overcome by fear that I might not live. Not a fear of death. That, I have lost a very long time ago, when I died at age 11. I came back, but not without going through the tunnel, and as anyone who has been there will tell you, it changes things.
Anyway, the fear I felt was generated by the thought of my children and wife having to suffer my loss.
That’s always been the one thing that kept me from dying; I don’t love life enough to live it, but I love the ones in my life enough to stay with it.
And I hate it.
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That’s very poignant, and puts to words a thought I’ve been unable to put to words for a very long time.
I hate it too! It’s a damnable feeling aligned with guilt among other things.
Take heart my friend, you’re not alone.
If you ever need to chat, I’m here.
and many blessings.
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It’s never easy, and it will always hurt a little, but my experience is it does get better with time. Think about how your mom would want you to feel. Love and light. 
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@Deadinside88 so dude, I identify with you, family members help help and contribute a lot to bad feelings. A lot of my parents don’t give a damn what I care about and a lot of things, they’re ignorant and segregated. Even more when it comes to cannabis, but today I don’t care, I live my life, work, study and play my life. It will never change and it’s better to think ahead than to frustrate some things and go through ruined things internally. Today I don’t take medicine anymore. still good friend.
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Well I had my first panic attack again after a long time. For those who haven’t had one they feel like a heart attack with a sense of impending doom. Woke me up and I thought I was going to die. I ahoukd have known one was coming. I have been feeling that weight in my chest that makes me feel like I can’t take a full breath lately. I have been up since 430 as I am afraid to go back to sleep because of the dreams and maybe another panic attack.
This happens to me almost every Feb. I hate this month. Not sure why I’m writing this other than maybe it’s cathartic to put it down in words. Sometimes I just wish that my brain was like normal peoples.
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Hang tight. I’ve had one. Ride the wave till it calms down. Things will get better.
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March is coming. Keep yer chin up dude… February is always a gloomy month. Its grey, cold, and you’ve been inside a few months.
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I’m so sorry. That’s very hard I hope you will be ok. When my grandparents died I never got over it. I think about them every day. They are not always sad thoughts but I do wish I could still be with them. But I’m happy they don’t see phone zombie apocalypse we live in now. My best friend lost her mom to cancer when she was young and she was never the same. It was brain cancer and happened fast. If I could cure it I would fuck the money bs (chemo is a trillion dollar industry cancer will never be cured).
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Heh I realize now partly why I am feeling so bad. My crazy pills were getting stuck in the back of the weekly pill organizer and I havent taken them for almost a week. I was getting these brain zap things which I get when I miss a dose but I knew I had filled up my pill case so I was confused. Doh!
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Massive depression, Im sure much is from fighting stress day in day out. Every day something new is piled on. Hate winter, hate cold. NEED SUN!
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That’s why I spend as much time as I can in front of the windows when the sun is out and when the days are extra dreary I spend a couple of hours with the plants. The hps isn’t the sun but I’ve found it does help a bit with the winter “blues” that most of us get.
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Man sorry to hear that. That head zap thing hits me too when I forget my psych meds ( I call it the bleet bleets) It’s one of the worst feelings out there. Gotta remember to check those meds when you take them to be sure you don’t lose track of anymore…
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I’ll pray for all of you. Just know that you have to go through bad times to appreciate the good times. Life is like a roller coaster there’s your ups and there’s the downs. That’s how life works! In life even though there’s ups and downs just sit back smoke a joint, bong, blunt, bowl, and enjoy the ride. Stay blessed my kings and queens.
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Thank you, I appreciate your kind words and thoughts.
I’m sorry about your best friend, I understand her perspective completely, she’s lucky she had a friend like yourself to help her through the sharpest grief. 
My mother was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer, (ex smoker off cigarette for 20+yrs) November 2020 and had opted for MAiD by April 29, 2021.
The pain and physical exhaustion was too much, complicating things was her complete blindness! That was not new, she’d been losing her vision slowly since birth. (Retinitis Pigmentosa)
I don’t think I’ll ever be the same as I was prior to and I don’t see it as a moment for personal “growth”, I can say I do know what real grief is and how deep the pain cuts. There is no other pain that compares and I’m in a lot of physical pain in a daily basis. There is no “getting over it”, “getting past it” or “time healing it” either it is as raw today as it was 9 months ago.
My Grandfather was a veteran and is likely whipping up ash tornados in his urn at the state of affairs globally and here in Canada! Especially here in Canada in the name of “Freedom”! 
My Grandmother would be terrified. 
I hope you’re having a wonderful weekend, many blessings. 
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I think I’m doing better. I finally got my psychiatrist to make an appointment after being canceled since last summer or some long time ago. Hopefully that goes fine.
When I look at all the growing shit here it reminds me of this guy I knew he was kind of a hero to me. He is the brother of a friend from high school. He was growing weed in this state was not legal and he had a double wide trailer for it with tables and lights.
The cops arrested his sister my friend when she was pregnant and told her to snitch her brother or she would be giving birth in jail. Because the weed was valuable and to protect it and he was a bit of a collector, he had an ak47, banana clips, grenade launcher, and some grenades to protect it.
Cops let the sister out and took him to prison, sentenced him ten years of which he served 9.
I saw him years later and it was night time and at the beach and I was really high didn’t realize he was finally out and it was like seeing a ghost.
My state is legal now I need to start growing and leave all of these memories of what it was like before behind but I remember having heart crushing anxiety from seed to harvest. Even getting equipment before it was legal everything had to be cash etc.
If I see a cop on my property which there is no reason I would I live in the country I’m just saying I have a carbon filter too but still very jumpy and idk if I should or not. Other people are with great success, I saw my friend had some clones in that dwc from target the aerogarden. They looked frosty.
I’ve killed a lot of plants too growing is so hard but I think I am ready I need a few more supplies like vent hose and a fan speed controller but I’m pretty ready and get that stuff on amazon now I guess.
I just read a story of police robbing the armored cars used by the dispensaries and stealing millions. I have land I want to farm it with weed but I don’t want these greasy pigs coming after me.
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For me, it lasted a while, but losing mom 22 years ago, and dad 15 years ago, I can say I still miss em, but the hurt is less… Dad’s birthday was just Feb 14th. And for sure I thought about him, shed a tear and wished he was here still. And I do that randomly as well, not just on his birthday, but I can say that you eventually are able to process it and heal. The hole will always be in your heart, but believe me, the hurt does indeed diminish, and I was pretty close with both of my parents… And there will be better days and days where you REALLY just miss them… But I like to believe they are watching over me now, so while not physically here, they are still with me in a sense…
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Can’t wait for this…because this hurt is almost unbearable at times. 
My mom was my best friend, I don’t have any contact with my dad (his choice)…I’m not even sure if he is still alive.
I just feel really alone in the world, it’s all.
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