Poor puppies…
You only ever brush up against them once and then they are forever burned in your memory as something to always be on the look out for! They pop up around my patch by themselves so I have just learned to avoid them at all costs 
unfortunately it doesn’t keep chewing critters away…
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well…
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I’m nowhere near the locations where that grows wild, don’t have sandy soil and to be completely frank with you if I had a spot that got enough sun to support a cactus, that spot would already be occupied with a marijuana plant.
Now that’s either logical or the longest run on sentence you’ve ever seen…
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I too struggle with some long ass thoughts that really don’t break down into multiple sentences, but usually a lot of commas.
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Might also consider planting roses (edible, pretty, sprinkle petals in bath for wife)
and
rosehip (10 times more vitamin C than an orange or something along those lines).
This is what you need mate, it is covered in huge thorns which cause a lot of pain if you are unfortunate enough to fall in or on one, trust me.
They are often used in the countryside on fields with livestock to prevent them from escaping.
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Look up Osage Orange Trees. 
Also look for Woods Nettles. They grow in cove forest in Appalachian Mountians. Pretty much close relative/twin of stinging nettle. I cant see much of a difference in the two.