The black dog follows me always. It’s just a thing like the sun comes up. I overthink stuff. But you know what? As I have got older I have realised that this is fucktonnes better than going through life half dead and feeling nothing at all. The point is you gotta stay active, keep your friends close, don’t get caught up in meaningless bullshit that doesn’t amount to a pile of beans and stay away from people that make you feel like you have had a pint of blood taken every time you see them.
And never ever take anything too seriously because we only get one crack at it and none of the BS really matters in the end.
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Thanks guys.
It’s evidently cancer & I’m looking into RSO as much as I can; thanks @anon58740919. The first challenge is the pneumonia & getting home, then the treatments.
All of your words mean a lot to me & are helpful.
(they don’t have a somber/sad hug emoji…oh well hehe)
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Today has been like a nightmare. I was out shopping with my sweetie, when he got a phone call and was sobbing in the middle of Cost Plus. His best friend is on life support and they are pulling the plug. Actually, they are harvesting 3 of his organs probably now as I type. I knew this man for almost 40 years. We went to 5th grade together and we all grew up together. I am in shock and very sad. More than anything, I have to sit by helplessly while my boyfriend breaks down with grief. He is beside himself. They have been best friends since we were all kids. My boyfriend lost his parents at a very young age and his best friend was almost like his dad or big brother to him. When shit goes wrong for me, I call my Dad. When shit goes wrong for him, he calls his buddy. They were so tight, his best friend bought him a 4000 dollar bridge when he had a problem with his front tooth and refused to be paid back. He rents a house from him and everything. He was like family. Turns out he fell off the wagon and on Thursday mixed some kinda drugs in there that stopped his heart. We just met up with him in March at a punk rock festival. We had no idea he had fallen off the wagon (I don’t think he had yet). This is all such a huge shock. I’m just reeling still.
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dear @Meesh. That’s terrible & my normal jibberjabber is micropenised.
If it was earwigs or compost or wooly mammoths, maybe I could help.
When my dad lost his last parent he commented that the people he would call about this are all gone now. 
Small families have their upsides & downsides; I’ve got no aunts/uncles/cousins & family crises is where that would be helpful, so I’m finding.
From my own past all I can advise is: spread that pain around & everywhere. Let others know they can lose a lot in an unpredictable instant, to live with added careful attention to the most precious ones, and to know that every moment is wonderful. Easy to say & easy to forget too.
I’m not the praying sort but I DO have magic powers, just not useful or chosen ones.
Sincere regards from this self-centered prick,
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What’s really fucked up when people die is that there is nothing to say, nothing you can do to help. Not sure most of us are truly comfortable with total finality in any situation. There is no way to add comfort in these situations. Just this completely helpless feeling.
48 is just a bullshit age to lose your life, especially over something stupid and I can just see him saying that he knew better than this. He was loved by so many people, just one of those guys that EVERYBODY knows. His mom is gonna have to rent out the Staples center for his service. I’m sad and also so mad at him for this. This was a guy who helped so many people get sober and had just the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. Just the nicest and most generous man. I feel so sorry for his Mother. If we feel this bad, I can’t even imagine.
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I struggle with this. In the past I have found sharing my troubles has led to people just fleeing. OTOH sometimes you HAVE to talk about the elephant in the room.
For instance I have recently learned that having a heart attack is associated with depression. I experienced some extreme sadness over a 7-10 day period, I was recommended Zoloft. I haven’t taken it. I know the issue now and stop the thought train when I feel it coming. Exercise helps. I await cardiac rehab with eagerness and have taken up daily walks as long as the weather permits.
For now is enough and am improving day to day 
----getting off this thread for now—
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cool. good stuff. Every day try to make the world around you a little bit better. For yourself or someone close to you. Some little thing every day.
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I find working with plants therapeutic. It gives me something else to focus on and the feedback is there to see. It’s also rewarding in several ways. You get the comfort of knowing there are no contaminates. The end product is of a quality you determine. Whether gardening food or smoke …even ornamentals. (Duke of Tuscany is a personal favorite…if you haven’t seen/smelled it you should!)
I try to exercise and do something everyday to make the world about me a happier place.
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Just a small note for people wanting to find a calming smoke. I have until recently been suffering more from anxiety than in previous years.
From experimentation, I have found that smoking flowers gives me anxiety symptoms for about three days. As I was smoking daily, this had a cumulative effect.
When I smoke the BHO made from the same flowers I do not. After a week of not smoking flowers, but smoking the BHO, I am much calmer.
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terpy-lerpy 
's
there’s an ‘inverse experience’; i get zero medical benefit from high-THC vape pens, but plenty from flowers/bubble-hash. 
Used a whole cartridge in half a day…was very stoned but never managed to move my bowels(to where they belong) 
.
an interesting side-note; listening to Dr Ethan Russo on youtube, he suggests a method for reducing THC ‘tolerance’ used by a colleague. the patient abstains from any cannabis/THC for 2 days then resumes at 50% of their prior intake. evidently this helps a lot of people reduce their intake.
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Sounds like cruel and unusual punishment! No thanks…
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Will your boyrfriend replace your mirror some day?
Today I’ll hear the oncologist assesment for my mom. Wahoo! Mother’s Day. 
@#%&$^& calendars.
Can I borrow the cat if it works?
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I’ve always believed that there are cycles of energy that we’re unable to see. It seems the last few months have been pretty rough on almost everyone I know.
I’ve been having some mysterious health and mental issues lately, and although it sucks it also makes me feel really bad for people who have it far worse and have to deal with issues like this all the time.
I hope when I’m feeling better I can help someone out in some way. It’s easy to live life selfishly when you’re feeling good and forget about others who might be left behind. I’m very lucky to have my gf and family right now, it breaks my heart to think there are so many people who have to go through these things alone.
Its a tough world, stay strong everyone!
Also, I’ve been a stoner for like 20 years but haven’t smoked for a couple weeks due to aforementioned head problems…great timing because I’m about to harvest a shitload of some of the most dank weed I’ve ever grown. Don’t forget the universe has a sense of humor lol
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The death of my friend Scotty has gotten a hold of my depression pretty good. I believe I was in a sort of denial and yesterday I woke up an emotional wreck. Trying to stay busy working and stuff. Usually good at faking it until I make it, but Fidel, the dude who’s sold me my marlboros for 13 years just asked me if I was alright with genuine concern earlier. I am working from home and dressed like a slob today, but I thought I was hiding shit pretty well. If it were up to me, I would smoke out and just sleep all day, but I’m behind on work from tending to my Man and his grief. I haven’t been able to get much done. I also feel like I am completely failing him as he doesn’t think I understand where he is coming from. I actually do, but the level of loss he feels now is something I can only look back on now. Sad about Scotty, but it’s a bigger loss for him. I’m forcing things today, lots of that comes with depression. Just needed to vent I guess. Thanks for reading my drivel.
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Vent on, lady. Life has dealt some shit recently. 
Got home & watered, felt better. F#%&$^ 15 deg hotter at home. 
I’m too high & tired to remember I’m upset AF. 
Smoked out with 2 oldest bestest friends at my moms the other night. Hotboxed the garage, watched cartoons, 1 buddy passed out (high five bro!) 
Completely forgot I was a hospice nurse for like an hour. 
Aaaaaaaaand then felt guilty
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My poor mother is dealing with severe early on set dementia. It’s been very hard for my whole family. Hard on my 75 year old dad. Even harder since I work 2 weeks away from home a month. My wife is doing a much better job of helping her and my dad out as compared to my other two brothers
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Feel better friends…
I know how to make fire 
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