I’ll share something little people know. At about 17 I was assaulted by some “friends”. This guy got mad I wouldn’t sleep with him so he told another girl I called her a whore so she would jump me. They cornered my friend an I an held him back with a bb gun while she kicked my ass. I’ve never been in a fight before, I had no idea how to defend myself. If it wasn’t for a random stranger getting her off me an taking me into their house I’m sure my injuries would have been far worse. Fast forward 15 years add a couple abusive relationships an I’m still effected by this event. I developed really bad ptsd that evolved into agoraphobia. I hate that one event changed my whole life while the people who did it probably don’t even remember.
I’ve tried all kind of meditation an therapy but if it wasn’t for marijuana I would be in a much worse place. Since beginning to grow for my father’s sake an gardening in general I’ve had my mental health improve because it’s something to keep my mind free
I wake up in a rage. Trying to look for help. For me I like being away from people. I like a few. The biggest problem is me.
Gotta start with loving yourself.
Write a list of what you like about yourself.
You’re still alive, that’s quite an achievement on its own.
I AM … and fill a page with power.
Gratitude completely changes the game of life.
Just feeling off today, having a moment or 2…Fridays my son would get off early and be bugging me to go fishing for a few hours this time of year, our first fall without him an his birthday is approaching. Its been 5 months but there has only been a handful of days when I don’t break down and cry. Life is getting back to normal around here but I just can’t seem to stop the sorrow. I have seen more than a few die in my time, some badly, I have buried my parents, my in-laws and my bio-mom. I was a seasoned pro at pall bearing and helping people through their pain. All that changed somehow, I am incredibly guilty that my own mental health ‘overshadowed’ the importance of being a ‘tough guy’ and supportive to my girls after my sons’ death. I am the only man around the house and I don’t have too many friends I can lay this shit on so thanks for listening OG, hug your loved ones today for me, please.
Keep your chin up @Cannasaurusrex I know this is easily said but often very hard to do. The fact that you recognize that mental health is a priority in your life is half the battle. 50% of the solution is first recognizing that and admitting to yourself. I was told by a woman I met in FL in 2002. She lost her husband 6 weeks before they had been together for 63 years. She told me “all love ends tragically” someone is leaving first. She said it’s like measuring with a yardstick in order to experience this much Joy one has to experience the same length of sorrow. The fact that you feel so much sorrow and pain is an indicator of how deeply you love. Makes me think why some people can just move on quickly and not be deeply hurt for lengths of time. Maybe they have not deeply loved or lost. Chin up your pain means something very profound in your life. Embrace it my friend 
Those are very special words you wrote , my wife and I want to thank you for taking the time. It means a lot, Thank You @ColeLennon Peace, friend.
You are very welcome!! In 2002 I was suffering a tremendous loss. This woman who just lost her husband of 63 years 6 weeks prior. The pain she was feeling was unimaginable even to me at that moment. She opened my eyes and my heart to the truth about pain and loss. I’ve suffered several losses since and pain and sorrow are still very real for lengths of time. So is the Joy
The JOY is right, getting that feeling (more than the sadness) back in our lives and memories of our dude and his life with all of us is the see-saw ride that we’re in for the rest of our lives. We love and feel like we’re all a bunch of kids riding on the front of a new roller coaster while smoking fatties. We like to live on the happy fun side and we handle pain together, so bumpy rides are something we are used to. As a man I have a lot of guilt and I feel selfish for having these feelings (Damn that Little House on the Prairie episode). And as a mechanic and self described Jeopardy champ LOL I try to find answers and solutions to everything, all I can come up with is WTF. Thanks again friend,…I appreciate it brother.
@Cannasaurusrex im very sorry for your loss. Please don’t feel guilty for recognizing you needed to attend to your health. If you don’t look after number one you can’t help anyone else. Grief like you are experiencing is all consuming and it’s ok not not be ok. Being a tough guy rarely makes any situation better in my experience with grief and trauma. In fact it most often prolongs suffering unnecessarily by making you detach from your emotions that need to be processed and walling off the pain. Be fair with yourself if you can, I know if can be tough to do. Can I recommend speaking with a grief counsellor? It helped after my mother passed. Talk therapy can be invaluable. I know it’s hard to see right now but things will get better. You’ve got people here who will listen when you need, myself included.
Thanks so much, yes I do see a grief councillor, she’s a nice motherly type. It helps. The pshychiatrist had me on enough pills to make a cactus drool. I quit all the anti-pshychoyics and just take one ‘calming’ pill (the walmart cure lol) as I wasn’t dealing with anything. We all are making progress, and we have each other. The pain and anguish just seems to be preventing us from getting on with “what’s next”? Seeking a few too deep answers to that question when the answer “Tomorrow” will do just fine, IMHO. Thanks @MonasticDank
Personality disorder? It is very similar, bro. I am also in this boat. I also have bipolar disorder
I’m a older guy now. What I’m so upset about is i’ve asked for help my entire life. The same way with pain. People say there’s nothing wrong with you you’re too young to hurt. There’s nothing wrong with you, you can’t be depressed. When you have major trauma that happens to you as a child. The old saying how many fingers am I holding up. I have one for them right now. I’m not lying I wake up in a rage every day. I have major hate in my heart. I know my words sound very harsh. I love people I love all people and different colors. I have respect for all religions. Who’s to say mine is the right path. I believe it is. I don’t like the meds that they put you on.
It has affected my entire life.
But being here I have found some friends that have some of the same problems. They’re very kind. Growing weed can be a very humbling experience.
Mike Tyson said that about boxing.
You can have a good grow and then the next minute mother nature or other reasons. It does affect you. I love the support and the kind words that everyone say to each other. Sometimes we get a little upset talking about strains.
It’s damn hard when you’re in such a storm. Everything is complicated with medicines, they do not help immediately, and a rare doctor in our time is concerned about how his patient tolerates therapy. If it wasn’t for my dog and the cannabis, I’d probably be dead by now. It’s hard to remember that you’re not alone. In this whirlpool of ignorance and indifference, there are still people with whom your anger goes away and becomes at least a little easier. this is what we need to remind each other. 
I agree with those words. There was several times when I lived in Colorado if it wouldn’t have been from a dog I don’t know what I would’ve done. The meds work sometimes. I was on one a couple years ago. THC is what helps me. I was told this at a very young age from a doctor in California. This was in the 70s early 80s. I was on something about a year and a half ago. Can’t remember the name of the medication. It actually helped. Then I started talking to myself. Then I started talking back to myself and answering what I was saying. Then one day I got mad and I actually wanted to start punching myself in the face. No way!!! 
It’s all about what triggers your emotions.
Do you have to have an emergency exit?
What is bothering me?
These are some of the questions that you have to ask yourself. You have to keep moving. You sit too long then you start thinking. That’s one thing I like about bud. I like looking at all the different seeds and different plants. There is other things that I used to like to do. I just don’t care for that stuff anymore.
I’m like you dogs or cats. Some type of companion. And a big old water bong with a big bag of weed.
@Hemp I can contemplate growing plants for hours. The only thing that bothers me about cannabis is that in the lion’s share of the world I am a criminal. but I don’t consider myself one. I’m a Grover and a smoker, not a criminal. Now it still aggravates that the police can visit the house in which I live.
That is a problem I’ve dealt with my entire life. It has been a crime for them to do what they’ve done to us and to other people. For weed!
Look at the major opioid crisis. I’m sure if this was legal everywhere that they wouldn’t be doing that. Those people get drug tested. Weed stays in the system longer. It has always been frowned upon. Someone could sit there and do Coke right next to me but yet we’re trash.
I don’t care about drinking.
That alone would make you crazy just know when you could get locked up for no reason at all.
In the country where I was born, just for the fact that I handed you a joint, I can go to jail. Now I live in Spain and to be honest I absolutely do not like what they do with weeds
hey, guys.
kind of random, but I’m just generally really going through it right now.
very worried I’m going to get some terrible news.
life has certainly taught me to respect and fear the worst case scenario.
for anybody out there reading this, if you have something going on, please do everything you can to help yourself asap, even if all you can muster is a single phone call. even that can feel very daunting, but you just simply must!
mental health is utterly crucial to “physical” health–there is no differentiation! don’t wait!
please take good care of yourselves, health is the only true wealth!