I too struggle with the loss & regret of the past, my first "own" dog, my boy, Timmy.
This is hard, but I do it for you, yall, and me, and him, and them.
This is from the day I had to say goodbye. He wouldn't eat bacon. I knew I couldn't make him suffer any more. My mom had come to stay with me for a week but had left the day before or maybe earlier that day. But my dad came up & helped me through it at the vet & my good friend came up later to help me dig a grave.
The vet told my dad they'd never seen anyone take it so hard. Well too fuckin bad! I just had to kill my best riend & kid-of-sorts.
I live with a lot of regret. My PTSD spilled on to him in his last years & I was basically an abusive fuck. He had a lot of old dog problems too. Cancer from age 4 but he was 14. 2 tumor removals from the tip of his dick. probably couldn't see too well. puke up & reate his meal for a year. spent a day+ with my other dog in the kennel when she passed & i was gone. barked uncontrollably when alone, and pitbulls don't quit until they're dead. my neighbors dogs are haunting me though so it;s all good.
here they are in earlier happier & healthier days
I was so dog-boound by him & her(JD) that I took a year off before readopting but I sure AF wont do that again. Was miserable. Looked at petharbor.com every day literally. Until I got Betty. and I know she's my crutch. My 7 years of nightmares every single time i slept stopped. like magic.
We lost our feral cat shortly which has been a depressor for her & I but it's a long story on my dad & cats is why we don't have a new kittybutt. Kitty-Town showed up about a month after I put my dog down, also like magic. Probably the best cat I've had.
i'm stoned, need dinner, & kinda surprised i got this far.
there's always more to say but i'm here with you